~ My State of Mind ......

Today, I was heartbroken..

2009-04-02T20:49:00.003+07:00

I was on my way home from work.. the red light turns to green and as my car was moving forward, I was sitting in the backseat looking out the window. And there I saw a little boy carrying a big rice sack filled with cardboards and other construction materials. He was about 8-10 years old. It was so heavy that he was walking so slowly, and his body was slouching so low that all he can see is his feet. For a second, I caught a glimpse of his face, he was huffing and puffing, trying to control his breathing, hoping that his breathing will help place his foot in front of the other so that he'll make it to other side of the street.

It broke my heart. I wanted to tell my driver to stop the car and maybe give him some money or help him carry those heavy sack to the other end. But as I was thinking, my car kept driving further and further away and I started crying.

All I could do then was say a prayer asking God to please bless that boy wherever he is and to give him all the strength and courage to face whatever it is that he has to face in this lifetime.

My PRECIOUS Holiday..

2008-10-11T17:14:00.003+07:00

I had the most amazing holiday during the lebaran break this year. I was excited about leaving for holiday but I never thought I'd came back feeling so thankful for my life. I am beyond happy and this holiday has made me realized that I have everything that I needed in life.

I was actually planning to visit my sisters in Melbourne and help them with the moving (coz my sisters used to share a house together with 5 other housemates, now they're moving out and renting an apartment to share between the 2 of 'em). Then I thought I might as well visit my best friend in Sydney, as its only a couple of hours away.

So my holiday started in Sydney where I visit her for a couple of days. She and her husband picked me up at the airport and we spent the whole day just talking away and lazying around her house. For the next couple of days, we went shopping, we cooked dinner together, and we did everything together. She joked to me about it before I left that she had took days off from work so she's gonna follow me around like a stalker. I actually have to thank her husband for allowing me to steal her during the time I was there. Each night after shower, her hubby would go straight to their room and sleep. And she'd go straight to my room and we chatted till we almost fell asleep. Visiting her was definitely the highlight of my year. Can't wait to see her again..

After Sydney, I flew to Melbourne to join my family. My parents were already there and I spent a week there with them. I had a wonderful time with them. Especially with my youngest sister. I've missed her so much and being able to spend time with her was a bliss.

Usually after holidaying, I was pretty exhausted and happy to get back home. Not the case this time though. For the first time, I was upset about coming back home. Don't really know why maybe because I left two very important people in my life there..

I was hoping to see them again at the end of the year and hopefully this time I get to spend more time in Sydney.. ;))

A thought...

2008-09-19T11:01:00.004+07:00

Turns out sometimes we have to make a big mistake, by doing the wrong things or making the wrong decisions, to figure out how to make things right.

Yes, mistakes are very painful, but making mistakes are the only way to find out who we really are. Mistakes are hard to recover from, at some point we thought we'll never do, but believe me we will, through time. And when we do recover, we are a so much better person.

And we have our mistakes to be thankful for.

I'm Blessed

2008-09-06T22:10:00.003+07:00

I'm blessed for having to wake up early in the morning for work.
I'm blessed for all the sleepless nights, of the exhaustion from work.
I'm blessed for leaving home early in the morning and come back really late at night from work.
I'm blessed for having to be stuck in traffic on the way to and from work.
I'm blessed for being able to do something I love so dearly as a job.

and last but not least..

I'm blessed for having the coolest job in the whole universe.

Fair huh?

2008-08-18T18:44:00.004+07:00

Life is not fair. I get that! But what I don't get is why people are making it worst than it already is?

Here's an example.. Being a single and working-for-myself woman in my mid-twenties often get frowned upon.. on a regular basis.

I was told.....

1. Not to be caught up in work so much and I need to find a partner.. A.S.A.P!!
Reason that was thrown on me was I'll be too busy working to notice a guy walking my way. And if this is a guy who is so busy working, people around him will think he is a hard worker and is on his way to success.

2. Not to think about pursuing my masters degree.
Reason was because guys do not want to go near a girl who's far more educated than them and also according to them I won't need them as I will eventually end up in the kitchen cooking away for my family.
But when a guy is thinking of doing a masters degree, he is a diligent and smart man for investing and thinking way ahead into his future.

And this is a good one, as I get this a lot.
3. To just go with the flow in my career that I don't have to work too hard and be successful.
Reason: Guys feel intimidated by successful woman.

Believe it or not the incident described above happened to me a number of times. And also happened to a lot of my girlfriends who run their own business. Correct me if I'm wrong, but apparently being able to support ourselves financially and being independent turns out to be such a turn-off for guys. But if its the other way round where the guy is independent and all actually makes this guy a rare catch in a sea of bad fishes.

So I come to my conclusion that in order to be a perfect woman in this country is to be dumb, and lazy. And if you do that, before you know it a prince charming in a white horse will come sweep you off your feet and both of you will live happily ever after.

Very FRUSTRATED!!

2008-07-06T20:32:00.003+07:00

Attention please, everybody!!!!!

Somehow, for no apparent reason. All emails on my hotmail contacts are all GONE as well as all the contacts in my MSN Messenger. So, imagine my surprise one sunday morning when I got online to see not one single list on that blank page. What the hell!!!!!!!

So, I'm very sorry to trouble all of you but for those who have been in the list or wish to be added in my MSN messenger (subject to approval, sorry) please email me your address. Thank you very much..

A silly thought..

2008-06-19T08:15:00.003+07:00

Okay, I'm pretty sure that this posting will probably made you think that I'm a.. weirdo. But yah, I don't care so here goes..

As you would have already know I have 2 very adorable dogs.. Ashley and Hazel. Ashley's 6 years old, got her while I was in Melbourne. Have her shipped over here roundabout 3-4 years ago. I took care of her from when she's just 2 months old. She sleeps with me and follows me wherever I go. Hazel on the other hand is 1.5 years old and I was already back for good in Jkt and working when we got her. My maid, loved them veryyy veryy much and took a great care of them.

So I started noticing that Hazel are very attached to my maid, so I played with them whenever I have the time and one day we were going to the vet. I held Hazel and my maid held Ashley. My maid walk out of the door first to the car, suddenly, whilst in my arms, Hazel howl and cried like mad while looking at the maid and Ashley. People can actually hear her cry from a few house away. We tried that again for a few days and it always brings the same reaction, Hazel would cry really bad. One day I walked out holding Ashley, Hazel just sat there and did nothing. As silly as it sound, in my head I was cursing 'what the hell, I'm the one who's been feeding and giving you this good life and you don't even care if I'm gone and you howled like mad when the maid is going away'.

After that incident, I started noticing how close Hazel is to my maid. Like Hazel would sit and wait behind the door if my maid went out. She'd wag her tails soo hard on my maid's presence.

I told my mom about this, and she laughed so hard. She said 'Its understandable coz u're away for work from early in the morning, and you came back late at night, and sometimes you're not home on the weekends too. And the one who've been taking care of the details is the maid'. I go on explaining that although I was rarely home but Ashley is still very much attached to me but not Hazel.

And I thought to myself, I guess this is what it feels like when your children is closer to the nanny than us as the mom. Then I thought, this is just dogs we're talking about, if its really my children, I'm gonna feel a thousand time worst than this.

My best friend's wedding..

2008-06-09T12:16:00.002+07:00

A good friend of mine got married last Saturday. It was a blast!! I had bridesmaid duty that day and I was one of the four bridesmaid couple. My day started at 3:3o when I woke up for make-up and hairdo. And the day goes on until around 1 am. I was very very exhausted and we stayed in the hotel until the next day. We had breakfast together, and lunch at Dapur Babah in the afternoon then we all got sent home.

I had so much fun that day, laughing and crying too at some point. Can't believe she finally got married and can't stop tears from rolling down at some point of the ceremony.

Anyway, big hugs and congratulations to Fuji and Rina. Thank you for making me a part of your special day.. I'm soo happy for both of you and may your journey together be filled with happiness and joy.

Will post pictures when I got them.. ;))

A little from us..

2008-05-13T22:04:00.003+07:00

This might come as a surprise.. but since the whole world are speaking up about global warming, my household has been trying to play a very tiny part in saving the earth.

It has got to a point where even my maid is telling her other friend while sweeping outside our house that global warming is going on. What we try to do was to not use a lot of plastic bags. As a request from my mom, from now on we bring our own bag whenever we're going to super market or even out in a mall.

I was out in Plaza Senayan buying a pair of Jeans and L'Occitane and I had to take out the carry bag and put everything in that bag. So.. no more plastic bags for us.

One day, I was looking for a plastic bag and my maid said 'Jangan deh bawa tas itu aja'. I said to her 'Udah lah ga papa.. cuma satu ini'. She replied to me 'Haduh... global warming nihhh'

What the hell?!??!?!??! Of course I give in at the end.

My very short holiday..

2008-04-28T21:03:00.002+07:00

I went to Singapore for a couple of days sometime last week to attend a seminar on autism. The seminar was just a couple of hours and I decided to take an extra day off to just squeeze in a little bit of holiday for myself in the midst of my very-hectic-working life.

I still had to work in the morning, if it was any normal school day, I would have skipped work. But the very day I departed, was our school's Kartini celebration. I had to be there for my kids and mostly coz my students don't operate well without me. I didn't even wait until the celebration ended, I left right after all my student's had performed and left to the airport.

Other than attending the seminar basically wherever I go, I am always hunting for teaching materials or educational toys that are not available in Jakarta. I am also always in a hunt for good books, which is why whenever I am in Singapore I always had to spend at least an hour or two in Borders. While I was there, I met my cousin and some of my friends. But the one thing that I'm really happy about was, I got a time for myself. Yes, you read that right.. myself!! I went shopping and walking along Orchard Road to Far East to Somerset with no one but myself. I am also very happy with the fact that I can walk on the streets.. not much of a chance to walk here in Jakarta.

Some weird things did happen though. On my first night there as I was walking outside Takashimaya, a guy stopped me and explained that he is in the entertainment industry and they are looking for fresh new faces. He showed me pictures of him from lots of magazines and he told me that he thinks I have a potential to go really far in this industry and he starts complimenting me on my eyes and other parts of my body. He then asks me if I'm interested and there was a long silence before I finally spoke. I pretended to not know any English and I walk off.

Another pretty weird thing that happened was when I landed in Jakarta, I passed through the immigration and the officer was flirting with me. He was a young with an okay body and not-so-bad looking officer. Not the fat-old kind. He was looking at me and trying to match with the passport picture and he said 'hmn, still looks the same' and he smiled. I return the smile and ignored him. He then asked me 'Pacarnya kok ga ikut?'. Still, I ignored him and just smiled. He kept on asking and I said 'ga ada'. As he handed me the passport he got a pen and said 'oh yah... ah ga mungkin. Kalo gitu nomernya brapa? 081...??'. I replied him 'Byeee...' and left.

One thing I notice is that, I love Singapore. But being there for longer than a 3-4 days can be unbearable. Hahaha..

THE girls..

2008-04-12T19:24:00.003+07:00

Note to self and in my daily agenda: 30th May 2008

It is the date when Sex and the City the movie will hit theater... Arrghhh... I've gone frantic just thinking about it.

I have the full set of SATC season 1 to season 6. I've watched it over and over and over again that I remember every single line of the movie. I also have a Mr. Big too.. only in my reality.. I'm not ending up with my Mr. Big.. I sorta want an Aidan..

Haha.. anyhow, I've watched the official trailer a thousand times and I'm smiling everytime I watched it.. I've missed those girls .. a lot.

Bad week... bad day...

2008-04-04T22:00:00.003+07:00

I am having such a bad day.. actually it has been a bad week but today sort of tops all the other days. Everything just didn't fall into place and one thing after another keeps happening in such a wrong way. The wrong people keeps getting in my face and bugging me... and all the people I've been waiting to hear from didn't get back to me at all...

Everything kinda piss me off.. plus.. I haven't had any 'me' time in a while.. which is why I'm looking forward to some off-time next week and also my Singapore trip at the end of the month..

For now.... I just need to scream my lungs out without scaring off the neighbors and my dogs..

So here it goes... AAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-speechless-

2008-03-04T17:32:00.005+07:00

I was out having dinner with a guy friend a few weekends ago.. He and I were sitting there having dinner followed by a long talk over a nice hot tea.. We were talking and laughing when suddenly this little girl about 4 or 5 year old who has down syndrome came over next to me, looked at me and touched my arm... I look to the side, touch her little hand that is resting on my arm and smiled at her.. before long her dad and nanny came rushing and told her to not disturb us and I smiled telling them its okay...

When I looked back at my friend, he was staring at the whole thing and said,

Him - Syl, kayaknya tuh anak punya feeling kali ya.. kok dia tau ya kalo lo kerjanya nerapiin anak kaya dia...'

Me - 'Lah, emangnya lo tau dari mana kalo dia tau, dia kan ga ngomong ..'

Him - 'Buktinya dia megang lo kok.. bukan gw.. dah gitu di sini orang banyak banget tapi kok milihnya lo...'

I finally replied 'Dunno, maybe I'm just incredibly charming'

Him - speechless with a glimpse of a forced smile.

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.......

A dash of anger

2008-02-24T18:40:00.005+07:00

I was out with a group of friends this weekend. We went to dinner, and a little night shopping at Grand Indonesia followed by midnight movie at EX. While we were waiting for the movie that is starting at 11.45, we walked around and finally sat down at the foyer near the lobby.

I couldn't help but notice that at 11 o'clock at night, I have seen a lot of young couples with babies in their arm and a nanny following them around. I was thinking to myself 'What the hell are they doing bringing their babies in a mall at that hour?' And you might think, 'ahh.. maybe just one or two'.. well, u got that wrong. In fact, everytime I turn my head I saw babies, infant, toddler being held by their mom or nanny (in this case, the mom is busy chatting away). And, when I got into the theater, as me and my friends were walking to our seats, I saw a parent with 2 children below the age of 5 were sitting there waiting for the movie. Please note, that it was an adult movie which has a lot of kissing scenes and making out scenes.

Seriously people, what the hell are you thinking? I wanted to start this post by saying 'Without any disrespect' and 'I'm not judging' and all that things to make you feel better. but guess what.. I do not have any respect for you and I am judging. If you haven't already know, babies, infants, toddlers, have an earlier sleeping time. In fact, all they did at that stage is sleeping, eating, peeing, and pooping. Bringing them out and about in a very noisy and happening mall such like EX on a saturday night is something you should cross out in your to-do-list immediately.

I understand if some parents still want to be considered 'happening' by being a hip and cool parent, but seriously children are not accessories.

And I also understand that a person need to have fun, to go out and enjoy life, take care of themselves and live life to the fullest. But that only applies when you are not a parent. Personally, I believe that when I have become a parent, sacrifices need to be made and boundaries need to be drawn. Although being a parent does not mean cutting all social life and fun and taking care of yourself. But there should be a boundary to how you act, how you bring yourself into the world because your children will follow your exact footsteps. The least you can do is to make sure your babies, toddlers, kids are sound asleep before you left home with your husband on a weekend night, and leave them with the person you really really trust at home. I think that is better than bringing them round and about in a very inappropriate environment.

And above all that, I really pity those children who have to force themselves to stay awake or at least babies who are way past their bedtime and definitely will not be able to sleep with all the lights and noise around. Not to mention those kids who had to watch the R-rated movie their parents forced them into at midnight.

I myself is not a parent.. at least not yet. I am not saying that I will be a good parent or better parent than the parent I'm criticizing now, but I sure hope I will be a much wiser one.

Apologies before hand but to those parents, please grow up for the sake of your children.

The door!!

2008-01-24T14:48:00.000+07:00

This happened not too long ago while I was in the class with my 4 year old students.. One morning after our ritual of good morning greetings to each other, morning prayer, singing nursery rhymes and attendance, I decided to sit the children down to have a talk.. about one of the most annoying and important things to me. Its none other than ... the new-found hobby of playing with the classroom door. As one was trying to open, the other would be trying to close and not to mention the crying and screaming as they get hit in the face by the door or the scare by the loud banging of the door. You can imagine the frustrations I had caused by the door.

So... as I sat them all down.. I told them that I was very upset the past few days because I have to yell all day long to keep them away from the door. I told them I had sore throat because of all the yelling and I also get the headaches from the door banging. One sweet thing was, my students are afraid if I'm sick coz that means I'm not going to teach them. Me not being in the school means they are not coming too. So.. I kinda made my point about the effect of door banging they are creating to ME and so I need to make another point of the danger of the door-banging to THEM..

After explaning that.. I continued by telling them how dangerous it can be.. I told them 'I know you're trying to be helpful and close the door for me but you might not see your friend coming in and accidentally hit them.. and you know, if you are not careful.. it might caught your hand and that will be very painful' .. at this point.. I can see that they were all imagining what it would be like and I know because each of them made their little 'thinking' face.. and so I add a little drama to it.. I said 'Ga mau kan kalo tangannya kejepit.. ntar kalo kejepit tangannya ilang trus nanti ga bisa play lagi.. ga bisa writing and colouring lagi loh..'

After about 3 seconds.. my students who are the number one door-banger in the class replied.. 'Miss, kalo tanganku ilang... miss mau bantuin cari ga?'

I cracked up laughing... for the whole day!!

An Update..

2008-01-24T12:13:00.001+07:00

Gosh.. its been a loooong time since I paid any attention to my blog.. Sorry sorry sorryy... So, in an attempt to make everything less painful, here's what's been happening to my dear little life..

Starting from the new year.. I was at Bali for the new year.. me and my whole family flew off to Bali on the 31st, and I met up with some friends in the afternoon and spent new year with them and came back at around 3ish to the hotel (after getting calls from my dad telling me that female walking in alone to a hotel at 3am was unsightly). We didn't get the hotel we wanted because it was fully booked, so we stayed in the same hotel we stayed in last October holiday. Since it was famous for its spa, we went ahead and have ourselves pampered in the spa retreat. It was heaven!!

After the Bali trip, I was busy organizing my cousin's wedding along with my other cousins. This wedding was a bit of a surprise for our family. The story was, the couple was together for a few years before they broke up. They stayed friends for 3 years and then things happened and they decided to get married (and no, there's no bun in the oven). So they went from single straight to engaged. haha. Later on, I found out that it happens a lot lately, apparently its the trend now. The wedding was a blast, everything ended up better than we expected. We had compliments from guests saying that the reception was well organized and the guests felt very welcome. F.y.i, me and the other 7 cousins were the ushers that night. Will post up pictures once we got it from the photographers.

And after the wedding, I was elected the Event Co-ordinator for my school's Chinese New Year Celebration. So I get myself busy assigning team members and their duty as well as making sure they did their job.. and hopefully everything goes well too this time..

As for now, staying home resting coz I was sick and apparently I was too tired from everything that has been going on. Can't stay sick for too long though, coz there's a lot of things waiting to be done.

Aarrgghh

2007-12-15T12:12:00.000+07:00

I have always been a loyal victim to migraine (Yes, migraine the stinking headache). But out of nowhere, last week, I woke up filling all dizzy and I thought there was an earthquake. When I know it wasnt, I forced myself to work coz I thought I was just sleepy. Until I reached the school and was ready to teach, as I look down on my students, I felt the whole room spinning and my students are all coming down to my rescue by holding me. I had to cut the day short. Turns out I had a bad case of vertigo (Its soo bad that I keep vomitting with in empty stomach). And so I had to rest the whole weekend. The following Monday started, there, the chaotic life of me begins.

The preschool thing was keeping me busy with all the Christmas celebration and preparing my kids to perfom with all the costumes and ordering some ginger bread cookies as my christmas gift for them. Not to mention it was all in the same week as the report card day, where I have to assess all of them and write the report for the whole class. It was followed by therapy for my autistic boy until around 8 ish, plus the urgent therapies meeting right after that which leads me coming home from work at 11 pm on a Monday night!!! Tuesday after the preschool teaching, had to stay at my dad's office to help with my friends booking tickets. (My friends being demanding and all told me they thought my staff was rude and I had to deal with all their personal needs of travelling, myself!!). Wednesday another therapy session. I had to move Friday's therapy session to Thursday coz I had a technical meeting on Friday. So Thursday another therapy session. Friday was the meeting for my cousin's wedding. He hired all of the cousins as the organizer and we had meeting with everybody, the MC, the decorator, sound manager, PIC for the wedding day from the restaurant, photographer, videographer and practically everybody. Got home at 9.30 and of course, hit the showers and straight to bed.

It has been a craaazyy crazzzy week for me. I was practically working my ass off, as if 24 hours a day is not enough. My sweet cozy home that I loved with all my heart has become a hotel room. I came home at night, too tired for dinner, took a shower and hit the bed straight away. Woke up in the morning, feeling like banging the alarm clock with hammer, walking like zombie to the toilet and then straight to work, and coming home late at night.

I need a break and Thank God. The holiday has started, holiday for school until next month and another week of therapy and I'm freeee!!!!! Going to be busy organizing my cousin's wedding but its all better compared to work.. for now!!

Unimportant scribble of thoughts..

2007-12-09T00:29:00.000+07:00

This is what I found out .. the more you forget about someone.. the more things around you unexpectedly happens to remind you of that someone. A friend once told me that something special was not meant to be forgotten because sometimes, it hurts so much to remember, but it would hurt even worst to forget.

~~~~~ * ~~~~~

Sometimes you feel okay and then suddenly something reminds you of someone and you're right back to where you were..

Mengapa berteriak?

2007-11-30T22:15:00.000+07:00

Suatu hari sang guru bertanya kepada murid-muridnya "Mengapa ketika seseorang sedang dalam keadaan marah, ia akanberbicara dengan suara kuat atau berteriak?"

Seorang murid setelah berpikir cukup lama mengangkat tangan dan menjawab "Karena saat seperti itu ia telah kehilangan kesabaran, karena itu ialalu berteriak."

"Tapi..." sang guru balik bertanya, "lawan bicaranya justru beradadisampingnya. Mengapa harus berteriak? Apakah ia tak dapat berbicarasecara halus?"

Hampir semua murid memberikan sejumlah alasan yang dikira benarmenurut pertimbangan mereka. Namun tak satupun jawaban yang memuaskan.

Sang guru lalu berkata, "Ketika dua orang sedang berada dalam situasi
kemarahan, jarak antara ke dua hati mereka menjadi amat jauh walau secara fisik mereka begitu dekat. Karena itu, untuk mencapai jarak yang demikian, mereka harus berteriak. Namun anehnya, semakin keras mereka berteriak, semakin pula mereka menjadi marah dan dengan sendirinya jarak hati yang ada di antara keduanya pun menjadi lebih jauh lagi. Karena itu mereka terpaksa berteriak lebih keras lagi."

Sang guru masih melanjutkan "Sebaliknya, apa yang terjadi ketika dua orang saling jatuh cinta? Mereka tak hanya tidak berteriak, namun ketika mereka berbicara suara yang keluar dari mulut mereka begitu halus dan kecil. Sehalus apapun, keduanya bisa mendengarkannya dengan begitu jelas. Mengapa demikian?" Sang guru bertanya sambil memperhatikan para muridnya.

Mereka nampak berpikir amat dalam namun tak satupun berani memberikan jawaban. "Karena hati mereka begitu dekat, hati mereka tak berjarak. Pada akhirnya sepatah katapun tak perlu diucapkan. Sebuah pandangan mata saja amatlah cukup membuat mereka memahami apa yang ingin mereka sampaikan."

Sang guru masih melanjutkan "Ketika anda sedang dilanda kemarahan, janganlah hatimu menciptakan jarak. Lebih lagi hendaknya kamu tidak mengucapkan kata yang mendatangkan jarak di antara kamu. Mungkin disaat seperti itu, tak mengucapkan kata-kata mungkin merupakan cara yang bijaksana. Karena waktu akan membantu anda. Semakin anda menahan kata-kata anda, semakin anda akan menyadari seberapa dekat hati anda sebenarnya".

As the old saying goes 'silence is golden', I realized that sometimes when you don't say anything, holding your words within yourself, you'll be in a place of silence where no one else's voice exist. And there, you will be able to hear your own voice of what you trully want and desire.

At times, you'll be surprised to find out what you trully want are the exact opposite of what you thought you want.

Think twice before getting sick..

2007-11-10T09:13:00.000+07:00

I was absent from work 2 days in a row because of the flu and sore throat (which has resulted in loosing my voice). The first day was quite enjoyable coz I get to do nothing and watch movies the whole day, the second day has gotten into into my nerves as I was getting bored of doing nothing and I started missing my students. So, although I haven't quite feel healthy, I went to work the next day thinking that it was only a day coz the next day will be the start of weekend anyway.

I happily got to work in the morning, only to find my 9 students out of 15 present at school, the others were absent. Mind you, my class has always been famous for the almost complete absent everyday. Be it Ramadhan celebration (where they should be absent coz there's no nanny), or rainy season, or the flu season. They are still going to be present at school, not wanting to be absent. I've even got a few report from parents saying their kids wanted to go to bed early coz they want tomorrow to come early so they can go to school. When I was a that age, my mom had to struggle getting me to school every morning!!

Anyway, I thought most of my students were getting the flu too because everybody seemed to be getting it. When it was time to dismiss them, some of their parents came and pick them up and I chatted with them. They told me that their child - who has been present for the 2 days I was absent - reported to their parents that they doesn't want to go to school anymore if I'm not there and that they don't like the substitute teacher. And that was followed by a long list by their children on why they didn't like the substitute teacher.

Most of the parents called the school up in the morning to check if I'll be teaching today in class and if I'm not they're not going to bother sending their child. There's also a parent who brought me some chinese medicine and some tea to help me with my sore throat coz her son refuse to go in the school after knowing I was absent. Jokingly, she said 'You better don't get sick anymore now that I gave you the medicine, my son won't come to school if you're not here!!!'. Turns out her son came to school for the whole 2 days and after getting to the gate, he asked the gatekeeper if I was there and when he knows I wasn't he cried to his mom telling her he wants to go home.

I have also heard from a parent that their child does not want to move into higher level if it means they will have different teacher, and the child actually used the word 'Doesn't want to go to school anymore'. There's actually some parents who've asked me to move and teach their class as their child move every year.

F.Y.I.. lets not forget to keep in mind that my students are mostly 3 year olds. I don't remember being that good in complaining when I was that age. *sigh*

On relationship..

2007-11-07T12:50:00.000+07:00

Today, I stayed at home. Didn't go to work coz I came down with a really bad flu and I lost my voice. Its funny how I sometimes feel grateful falling sick coz that means I have time to do unimportant stuff a.k.a doing nothing. So while hugging a box of tissue and drinking lots of 'liang teh', I camped myself on the couch in front of the TV, watching my favourite show, Oprah.

It was on the topic of great love. There are 4 remarkable-great-love-stories compiled on the show. I have to say, each and every one of the stories really does put a smile on my face. One thought crept into my mind after watching the show and that is how love works its way into people's life in an unexpected, amazing and magical way.

I am blessed enough to have experienced great love in my life. Although I'm currently single, I have once been in an almost-into-marriage relationship. We've got into the phase of talking about where the wedding would take place, how much money we're going to put into it, what kind of wedding dress we both like and we even agreed on the name of our kids. Sometimes, couples are so into preparing their once in a lifetime reception that they forgot that it wasn't about the wedding and it should be about the marriage. And sometimes in the middle of all the glitz and glitters of the preparation, they forgot that this special significant other might have their wants and needs. Or in my case, I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I thought I knew what's best for the relationship and thus I disregard whatever he might think. And as a result, I forgot that he might have some opinion on the matter that is worth considering.

Anyway, I learn that taking relationship to the next level means both partners have to make the commitment that their partner has to come first. If both partners acknowledge that kind of understanding between one another, they would be able to compromise and in turn appreciate the ongoing process of giving and taking between them. And before they know it, its becoming a habit in their relationship.

I once learned that relationship is like a chair. If there's 4 legs to the chair, then the chair would be solid and would be a safe chair to sit in. You've got to have 1. Friendship, 2. Common mission and values, 3. Negotiated division of labour and priorities and 4. Sex and intimacy. And not having one of those factor means you will be seating in a chair with missing leg which I don't think anybody in a right mind would do.

Anyway, my great love relationship that I described above didn't turn out as everybody expected. I guess there must be one or two leg/s missing on the chair, lol. But, I can look back and say it was considered my great love relationship.

In conclusion, relationship is not meant to be easy, but I think with the right person, every journey will in turn be worth it.

------------- ~~ -------------

And for what its worth.. I forgive you.. not just in words, but in my heart, I forgive you. I thank you for everything that had happened, the good and the bad. The good - for all the wonderful memories that will never go away through time (even until I'm old and grey) and also the bad - for all the pain and heartache has definitely made me a better person today. :)

Mourning

2007-10-26T20:17:00.000+07:00

The past 3 days have been devastating. We have just lost a very dear member of the family. We were all in a deep state of shock as everything happen so suddenly. No one knew about him being hospitalized and when we heard, he was already in coma.

He is a cousin from my father's side and we are considered a pretty close-knit family. We're the type of family who loves to laugh every time we gather. The older ones, even to the youngest one, are always tryin to crack jokes for everybody. Things will never be the same now that one of us isn't going to be there anymore.

Most of the relatives gathered in the hospital in less than an hour after knowing he was admitted, but by then he was already in coma. Everybody were yelling, pushing him, asking him to wake up, but he just wouldn't. No one was ready for this, it was all too sudden. He was fine in the morning, and he's gone in the afternoon. I wasn't there when it happens. I was on my way to work when I heard the news. I cut my therapy session short, went straight home and then leave to 'rumah duka' as soon as possible. I cried on my way home talking to a few of my cousins but when we got there, when all members of the family were present, its hard not to just break down and cry.

We went to rumah duka for 2 days in a row, the first night was just us, the whole relatives and family in Jakarta. The second night was the 'malam kembang', where they held a little ceremony and prayer before closing the casket and by then most of our relatives from Medan had arrived. The next morning was the cremation day. Everybody was there and we formed a convoy of 14 cars to the crematorium.

Once we were there, we waited for a few minutes before the ceremony started. We scatter flower petals, paying our last respect, and saying our good byes. When it was finally time to bring him in. Me and few of my cousins stepped away, we cannot bear seeing him go away like that. For me, that was the worst part, having to see the steel gate closes after he was brought in. Everybody was in tears, my parents, my uncles, my aunties, my cousins. We were not ready to say goodbye. Things were not supposed to end up this way. Deep in each of our hearts, we say our own prayers.

May you rest in peace koko.. Things will never be the same without you here, and although you are not here with us, you will always be in our hearts. Our prayers are always with you.

And yet another year.. sigh

2007-10-19T09:06:00.000+07:00

Its the birthday... again!! Not so excited about this year's birthday's.. as always!! Anyway, me and my sister have been watching a lot of DVD's a few days now and I didn't even realize that it was 12 o'clock at night when suddenly my sister paused the movie and attack me, literally attacking. She managed to land 2 kisses somewhere in my face after a real power struggle between me and her which then followed by her jumping up and down wishing me 'Happy Birthday'.

Then my phone started to ring, it was my ex's sister wishing me happy birthday, although she was a bit too early in which she said a bit embarrased (so cute and sweet of her). Then I woke up with lots of messages and unanswered phone calls from everybody. Thank you very much guys, I'm glad you guys remembered and I really appreciate it. I also get messages, comments from friendster, facebook, everywhere. Thank you!!

We end the night by having a birthday dinner with my family and close relatives. Only closed ones coz to invite the whole relatives will need a lot of work, even ballroom hotels can't fit us. We might need gelanggang olah raga to do so. Anyway, I'm not big on birthdays, at first I just wanted it to be just like any other day. Knowing that, my sister turns the opposite way, she bought me a big cake, and after we had dinner, she asked the whole staff from the restaurant to bring the cake and sing for me. I hated it!! I was so embarassed I feel like hiding under the table. Plus, she got my niece and nephew to perform and sing their own creation of happy birthday song in front of everybody. Don't worry though, I will make my sister pay for what she did!

Anyway, thanks again for the well wishes everybody.. really really appreciate it. :))

Photos courtesy of my very lovely cousin sister who's got real talent in photography.

Great Indulgence

2007-10-15T19:54:00.000+07:00

My family and I went to Bali just as the holiday started ( to avoid the chaos and overcrowd of Lebaran holiday in Bali). We have always loved Bali and its been sort of a must visit place at least once a year. We always stayed at different hotels while we're there and are always hotels by the beach this time we're hitting the mountains.

I have to say that we're fortunate coz we've always had wonderful experiences in different hotels, it's always great hotel with fabulous facilities and view. We stayed at Ubud (2 hour drive from the airport), its mostly mountains in that area. The hotel we stayed in was located at a hillside and strectched above two river valleys.

We stayed at a villa and it was very nicely put as the entrance to the villa was located pretty far to the villa itself. They also provide free yoga sessions in which me and my mom took part while we were there. What's famous about this place is the Spa Resort. I've heard about how great it was but I didn't really know why until I was there checking it out by myself. They won the Best Spa Award for 2 years in a row which explains why its so hard to make a reservation. The Spa Resort located by the side of the river overlooking the valley. We had our spa treatments at one of their eight open-air private treatments pavilion which located by the side of the river. As we get our treatment, we enjoy the sound of flowing water from the river and the cool natural breeze.

Here's some pictures..

~ The Hotel..

~ The Spa..

Personally I loved the hotel and the change of scenery, however, me and my sister agreed that we once stayed at a better hotel where the villa has 3 bedrooms each with its own TV, sofa, and a big bathroom with a big bathtub. There was also a kitchen (complete with all the eating and cooking utensils), a big screen TV with all the BOSE sound system, and a private jacuzzi in the villa. My dad said if we compared every hotel to 'that' one, we're never going to find any better ones. Oh well..

My Sunshine..

2007-10-13T00:34:00.000+07:00

I was driving, on my way to work. When suddenly, my eyes are filled with tears. Tears that I cannot control. I haven't cried for a very very long time now. Thats when I realized that this tears are bound to drop sooner or later. That's coz, no matter how long I wish time travels, she's going to leave anyway.

My baby sister is going to continue her studies overseas. I was all cool and fine about it until that very moment when I was behind the wheel on my way to work, I realized that in a few months she's not going to be there everytime I get home.

She has always been my sunshine in the rain. No matter how much of a bad day I was having, she has always managed to find a way to get a smile right on my face. We did everything together, we finished each other's sentences. We often joke about how we should spent more time apart coz the closeness we have is starting to be disgusting. One time, she even said we will never get boyfriends because we're spending too much time together.

And just not long ago, I found out that she has brought that effect to people around her, not just me. Many of my friends, have grown to love her like their own sister, and she openly enjoys the attention she gets from my friends.

I can't even type without having tears filling up my eyes. Things won't be the same without her here.. and this place will not be as livable after she left..

*How I wish I don't have to feel all this alone..*

..me..

2007-10-06T07:48:00.000+07:00

I consider myself a planner.. and having 2 jobs does not make that any better. I am constantly planning for the next minute in my head. As I open my eyes waking up in the morning, my head starts going through the things that need to be done on that day, as I leave for work, grabbing my breakfast to be eaten while I drive in the morning and throw a quick kiss to both my dogs, I make more detailed plan and self-reminder on everything that I cannot forget to do. Even in my sleep, sometimes I dream about things that needs to be done.

I'm pretty lucky because now I get a driver to get around so I can do most of my last-minute-unfinished work and much of the planning on the road. Even my friends now say that I'm never at a place for a long time. When they call me up, I was here and the next minute I was already on the way to somewhere. I'm always on the go. The thing is, I have 2 full-time job, both are important and both deserved the same dedication from me. I admit, sometimes, I hate the responsibility that I have to give to both ,and sometimes I wish I can choose which one to cater first than the others. And the traffic here in Jakarta is no help at all. So what I did was, I make sure to everybody that I don't have flexible times. If they need anything from me, they need to let me know way before hand and that there is no guarantee that I will be able to fulfill their requests.

Which is why, I am very very very happy about holiday. I have arranged holiday for myself every now and then. This time, I get a 2 weeks holiday. Yeeehaaaa..... I'm going away to Bali, not to the beaches though, this time.. to the mountains.. Sooo.. I switched off my phone and ... happy holiday!!!!!!!!

Advice from Oprah on Men..

2007-09-18T22:10:00.000+07:00

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this, you'll make someone smile, another rethink their choices, and another woman prepare.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them....and an entire lifetime to forget them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the exact opinion I have on the matter, cannot believe how well she put them into words.. couldn't be better..

Its about time..

2007-08-21T22:19:00.000+07:00

~ Cinderella by Tata Young

When I was just a little girl
My momma used to tuck me into bed and she read me a story
It always was about a Princess in distress
And how a guy would save her and end up with the glory
I'd lie in bed and think about the person that I wanted to be
Then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me

I don't wanna be like Cinderella
Sittin' in a dark old dusty cellar
Waiting for somebody, to come and set me free
I don't wanna be like Snow White waiting
For a handsome prince to come and save me
On a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side
Don't want to depend on no-one else
I'd rather rescue myself

Someday I'm gonna find someone who wants my soul, heart and mind
Who's not afraid to show that he loves me
Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am
Don't need nobody taking care of me

I will be there for him just as strong as he, will be there for me
When I give myself then it has got to be, an equal thing

I can slay, my own dragon
I can dream, my own dreams
My knight in shining armour is me
So I'm gonna set me free

- = * = -

~ Its about time, we have songs like this. Not just about love.. love.. love.. Don't get me wrong, I love 'love'. No doubt being in love is the greatest feeling of all, and screwing up in the 'love' department has the effect of making your life turn upside down. And although I realize conversation about 'love' has never gone out of season, its always great to talk about 'love', but I'm getting sick of people revolving their life around their love life.

Coming home after living overseas for a few years I noticed the difference between our people and them. Its very unfortunate that most Indonesians have a way of thinking that you are not whole as a person when you're not a couple. Which is why most of my single friends are basically stressing out and pulling their hairs when talks of relationship occurs. I think that resulted from how environment has shaped our thinking.

For me, I am not trying to be a superwoman who declared-not-needing-a-man in my life. But I refused to see myself less just because I'm not a couple. Some of my single girl friends often say things like 'When I have a boyfriends, I'm going to .......' or 'I want to go to ...... when I have a boyfriend someday'. I just don't see why you have to put your life on hold just because you are single.

I believe in making things happen on my own without depending on other people, although I admit that sometimes having someone special on your side while we're making things happen are so much better. But I'm not gonna be those people who are going to wait for someone to come along to be happy and independent.

I think having that kind of mindset sort of indicate that we love ourselves better if we're a couple and I personally think we need to learn to love ourselves more in order to be a better person. Better person for yourself and for the people in your life.

Starting.. yet again

2007-07-22T21:30:00.000+07:00

I've started working again.. It certainly feels good to be working again.. although I have to admit after being unemployed for about 5 months, working does feel tiring. Especially now that I work 2 jobs... I'm a preschool teacher and also a therapist for autistic kids.

The school I work at located very near to my dad's office, which is a good thing. Because since I work 2 jobs I don't get to see them as much as I used to. So having close workplace really helps as I can easily drop by for a while before driving off to the therapy session.

So far, I'm loving what I'm doing, although I admit it gets very tiring since I start work at 7ish a.m and got home after teaching and therapy around 7-8 p.m. Initially, my parents object what I did and lots of people were wondering if I don't feel tired. I think I do feel tired, especially if its a bad day of bad traffic, bad weather, not enough sleep, naughty and cranky student and loads of headache, but then I thought to myself, I'm still young, still in a good age for employment, able to work and not married. Why not use that opportunity to gain all the experiences I can get, make friends everywhere to create network and make money on my own. As a female, we can't deny the fact that we need to slow down sometime in future to think about family.. so while I still can.. why not?

And without any judgment to anybody, I personally think that women will be better mother and wife if she's been 'out there' creating her own self value and self worth.

ps: One important lesson that I've learned was 'the only thing worst that being extremely busy is to have nothing to do at all'. ;)

Desperate Housewives..

2007-06-06T09:39:00.000+07:00

And here I thought princesses always live happily ever after..

Rambling..

2007-06-02T19:15:00.000+07:00

Its a Saturday night...
Staying at home not doing anything..
Have got a few offers and phone calls since last night by friends asking me to go out..
I refused, don't know exactly why..
Although I know its going to be a lonely Saturday night...
I still refused..
So here I am...
Sitting here and listening to the beautiful Jazzy tune by Diana Krall and Tony Bennett..
And.. feeling very lonely..

Oh well.. I'm rambling badly.. better stop..

Hope you have a good weekend everyone..

A trip back..... home??

2007-05-25T09:33:00.000+07:00

I had a wonderful trip back to Medan last week. Medan was not exactly my home, its more like my parent's home, as they were born in a small town somewhere in Medan and grew up in Medan and moved to Jakarta after they got married. So being a Medanese is a big part of me and my sister's as well as my extended family's life (although we were born in Jakarta).

The trip back home was actually to attend one of my cousin's wedding (from my mom's side) and also most importantly was to visit my grandparents. We always tried to visit them every once a year. This time was a blast because almost everybody from Jakarta actually manage to attend the wedding. So everybody was there, my uncle's house and my grandparent's house were packed with relatives coming all the way from Jakarta. It was actually no surprise coz I have a VERY big family. Too big that this time I went back, I met cousin's and uncle's and auntie's that I never knew I had. We didn't quite go anywhere while we're there coz it's a problem travelling out and about in such a big group.

The one thing my family loved about Medan was the food. Having grown up in Medanese community, we are accustomed to Medanese food and everything there is so much better than what we used to have in Jakarta. One of my best friend who's not Medanese always told me that she would say yes to any food I offered as long as there's the word Medan next to the name of the food. Yes.. apparently she loved it as much as we do.

Although I have to admit, I hated the weather in Medan. It was sooooo damn hot. The heat was unbearable. When we were there, I remembered everybody from Jakarta was saying how we always complained about the heat in Jakarta where it was actually a lot worst in Medan. Also, I hated the becak (a.k.a rickshaw). At one time, I have to drive from my uncle's to my grandparent's house. I cannot believe I complained about motorcycles in Jakarta where in Medan you have to drive along side rickshaw!!

All in all, it was a great trip. Although I have to admit, initially, my sister and I hated it and wanted to come home to Jakarta a.s.a.p. At the end of it, we get along with the cousins we never knew we had, and everybody else. We gather at grandparent's house every night to chat and I have to say, looking at the smile from my grandma each time we were all there was enough.

Untitled

2007-04-16T22:22:00.000+07:00

Its been 2 years.. and this place still reminds me of you..

A night of pleasure and pain

2007-03-05T22:07:00.000+07:00

Last week, I got an invitation to a fashion show hosted by the Indonesian Fashion Designer Council featuring Rusly Tjohnardi as the designer. I got the last minute invitation by phone and I was asked whether or not I can attend the show. It wasn't an easy decision to make as I am definitely not prepared. But because I know how fabulous the designer's work are, I decided to go.

And, of course, i spent the day dreading about what I'm going to wear. That evening, I search every inch and corner of my wardrobe to decide on what to wear. Making last minute appointment with my hair stylist (which turns out I was already too late to make an appointment).

So there I was, trying to depict every imaginable way of pairing my clothing in order to maximize style and minimize embarassment. After a few hours of digging through piles of clothes, I decided to go for simple and elegant. I put on my black lacy tank top with a black pants and a white and blue striped bolero, with a finishing of an earing and necklace and a silver heels to go with it. Of course, I end up having to do my own hair and make up.

One thing that I learned was that no matter how hard u tried, when u got there, the other girls will look so much nicer and hotter than you. Even the guys are all pretty. I managed to send my girlfriends messages telling them that all the men there are deliciously gay. With all their hot six packs body, good hairstyle and designer outfit.

I've seen Rusly's work before and I have to say they are splendid. That night, his work was better than ever, it was phenomenal. All of his dresses are breathtakingly beautiful, although I have to admit that his dresses are also breathtakingly expensive. Just by looking at the dresses made me feel beautiful as a woman.

There was an after party at dragonfly right after the show, but I didn't go. The reason, well, my feet are killing me, I'm in my 16 cm heels that night and I'm tired from the getting ready, so I decided to go home and call it a night.

Here's some expert comment I found that describe exactly what I thought about Rusly's work..

"For this show, Rusly used the theme “Je T’aime”, most of his stuff are made out of high-quality materials, such as the famous french lace, the gorgeous Swarovski crystals, and not to mention the feathers, the bows and all that. Unlike Didi, he focused more on the sweet and playful colors. His couture gowns are surely one of the kind (there’s no way you can put them on yourself, you’ll need assistance! yup, it’s THAT elaborate)."

and.. here's some of his fabulous work...

Photos and comments courtesy of http://www.viecouture.com/style/fashion-and-couture/fashion/je-taime-from-rusly-tjohnardi/

Me vs Him

2007-02-22T14:21:00.000+07:00

My FBUH (future back up husband) spent 9k for a gun, I complained about it then he complained about me spending thousands on shoes, bags and lingerie.

He actually used the word obsessed when he describes my likings for shoes and bags. I was abit surprised actually coz I've always thought I have a reasonable amount of shoes. Although I know its hard to not look whenever I pass through racks of shoes. Lets admit it, it's hard not to get ourselves all drooling over a Jimmy Choo or a Mahnolo Blahnik. The same goes with bags, I don't own as much branded bags, I'd rather have nice or cute ones rather than branded but fake (no offense to those who have though!). When I was in Mangga Dua, I tried buying one of those, but I sort of felt sick to my stomach looking at those bags hanging everywhere, and they're displayed in a way they're all squished together in a small cabinet. I have to say.. they look so sad and pathetic. Maybe if they're displayed in a nicer way, I would've had different reaction.

As for lingerie, I kinda have a strong view on this one. I have to say, I'm very picky when it comes to lingerie, I demand them to come with the highest level of comfort. I always make sure I have the most comfortable and nice looking one. There are actually a lot of comfortable and cheap ones, but they usually look like something grandmas would wear. As we all know, to get something pretty and comfortable costs more money and those kinds of lingerie also comes with a bonus too, they usually flatter the figure. Well, okay, enough about the description on the lingerie. Don't want it to become too R-rated (I think my niece and nephew are starting to read my blog).

I think all those arguments are pretty reasonable compared to buying guns which, in my opinion, are pretty useless for a daily basis. At least I use my bags, shoes and lingerie everyday.. and his guns are just for weekends.

Well, that's pretty much the argument I gave him. And here are the pictures of his beautiful guns.. (Btw, he always have the word beautiful next to the word gun..)

And of course at the end of our conversation, he ask me to choose which one of the beautiful looking guns are the most expensive one and I also got him to help me choose which beautiful leather wallet I should get.

Sorry for the small picture, I promised him the serial number from the guns won't show.. ;)

Our day trip..

2006-12-19T10:38:00.000+07:00

My family and I went to Anyer for a day trip. It was a fun trip, considering I haven't been to Anyer for years. The last time I went there was on December 2003. My relatives was there too this time, and here's some pictures that we took.. :))

I KILLED IT !!!!!!

2006-12-18T13:29:00.000+07:00

I do like animals.. but only the cute ones. I hate hate hate bugs and insects.. my most hated one is cockroach. I thought every animals was created to serve a purpose.. but up to this day, can't think of any purpose of a filthy-ugly looking-disgusting-cockroach. I used to hate mouse and rats too. But living in a family where my dad is the only male member of the house, I was forced to be brave in handling that specific mammals.

I can say my house was renovated in such a way that its mouse and rat free. But living in Indonesia means rats everywhere. So once upon a time, I was sitting in the living room with my sisters, my mom and dad was in the kitchen, when suddenly I heard my mom screamed. There was a break-in .. by a mouse. My sisters both jumped up, one to the sofa, the other one to the piano chair. I was about to do the same when I saw my dad's face, he hated it cos he knows he has to deal with it alone knowing all of us were scared. So I went to get 2 brooms, one for my dad and the other one for .. me.

The mouse was hiding behind the TV cabinet and I told my sisters to watch and my dad was at the one end of the cabinet and I'm at the other end. After moving the cabinet a little bit, I saw the mouse ran towards my end, I was swearing my heads off at the mouse (quietly of course!!). there was 2 ends and it just had to choose to run my way (damn you mouse). I blocked the mouse with my broom hoping that my dad would come to my rescue and kill it but he didn't, and the mouse almost got away pushing through the brushes on the broom.

I raised my broom and quickly hit it before it got away. My hands was trembling so bad and I had goosebumps all over me. I had full power as the broom lowered towards the mouse but I couldn't do it, so I sort of covered the mouse with the broom. I think it got scared and it just stopped and stayed there, I hit it again (very slowly), then my dad came and caught it.

I saw the little mouse before I hit it the second time, it looks so little and its covering its eyes or something. I fet so bad throughout the night, I was praying hoping it didn't die.

I think I just commited a sin.

Its all wrong..

2006-11-12T11:27:00.000+07:00

I was on my way to Senayan city to meet up a bunch of friends after picking up my friend somewhere in Green Garden. I was also with my younger sister, my aunt and her 10 year old daugher. Normally I would go through the familiar route of Permata Hijau. But looking at the traffic, I doubt that we'll get there in an hour (in which I'm already 2 hours late, coz I had to take my car for its first check up). So my friend and I thought of another route that we can take, we decided to go through Angke tollway.

I was already panicking coz there were a lot of big trucks, basically they just want to crush my little tiny car (according to me). Which is why I missed the red light, didn't see the red light at all. Suddenly this fat- ugly policeman stood in front of my car and told me to pull over. I was panicking real bad!! He said I ran over red light and asked for my driver's license and STNK. The first stupid thing, I took out my wallet searching for my STNK in front of the policeman where his dollar-sign-eye starts wandering around looking at the insides of my wallet. The second stupid thing, I didn't bring my freaking STNK coz I just got my car checked up earlier and my dad forgot to give it to me. The third stupid thing, he asked me to call my dad and make sure the STNK was with him, and panicking, I took out my big-fat-PDA phone and called him. (By then, i think the policeman knew that he just caught the perfect victim). The fourth stupid thing, he asked me to get out of the car to sign something and walked towards his police car, and I did. Later in the day, after my friends had enough of mocking me, they told me to always settle things when we're still inside the car.

He said I have 2 options, he had to take me and the car to the police station and settle it there, OR, he will give me a letter and I need to go to the court to claim it back. He then said 'Tapi mbak, saya sarankan mbak ikut saya ke kantor polisi saja, karena kalo sampe ke pengadilan, mobil mbak mungkin harus kena 15 jutaan baru bisa diambil lagi'. What the hell!!!! I told him this is the first time I ever go through that road and didn't see the traffic light and the truck in front of me went through red light as well, why didn't he get him instead. And he told me that he only saw my car.. (yeah right, those trucks would not have enough cash on them).

So he said he'll settle it right there and then.. 150 thousands for the red light, and 350 thousands for not having the STNK and that makes a total of 500 thousands. I said I didn't bring enough cash, and he said 'okay then, I'll help you out, since you look like a nice woman (in which his eyes wonders at my chest area a.k.a low cut shirt) just pay 350 thousands for not having the STNK. My friend got worried coz I've stood there for almost 15 minutes, she got off the car and passed me more money and I told the police 'This is all I got'. He actually had the nerve to ask me 'Berapa itu mbak?' He then said 'yaahh.. mana cukup' eventually he nodded and asked me to sign the release form.

I got ripped off 200 thousands by the stinking-fat-ugly-pervert policeman.

and it doesn't stop there.. my whole bunch of friends just couldn't stop making fun of what happened to me.

The good thing was, all of my friends kindly offered to pick me up next week. *grin*

A thought

2006-11-06T20:31:00.000+07:00

I choose to be alone
not because I had to
but because I want to
coz being alone..
means no one will hurt me.

Sheng re khuai le..

2006-10-25T22:20:00.000+07:00

I can say I had traumas towards my own birthday.. My family was never big on birthdays and my sister and I were told since we were little girls that we will have birthday celebration when we turn 17. Unfortunately, didn't get mine when I turn 17 and what happened somewhat traumatized me. I didn't enjoy birthday after that, then I went abroad to study for 4 years and I spent 4 birthdays alone.

So.. this is the first year that I get to spend my birthday at home with the people I love and we decided to have a family dinner. The reason on why I decide on just inviting family was because I want it to be just the people that have cared for me. I went through some difficult moments, and unexpectedly most of my relatives supported me in their own way.

Also wanna say thank you to everybody who have sent messages and called up and sending me messages or testimonials through friendster... Thank you everyone for the well wishes... :)

Arrgghh...!!!!!!

2006-10-17T22:18:00.000+07:00

A few years ago, I got an iPod as a birthday present. That was the most expensive present I've ever got. And now.. it's busted!! It stopped working!!

In a way, I felt like I lost a 'friend'. I got it while I was still studying in Melbourne. The iPod have always kept me company everytime I went out by myself, waiting for the tram or walking to uni.. and now that I'm working, it has always kept me company everytime I drive.

Some of my friend told me to sell it and bought the latest one, but I couldn't get myself to do that. It was a birthday gift and I now that that person saved up just to get me the present.

I lost my travelling 'friend'.. I got them for my birthday a few years ago and I lost it just a couple of days before my birthday... I'm soo saaaad!!!!!!

ps: I'm rambling badly.. (this might've been the worst post I've ever written). I'm having a really bad flu AND migraine for the past few days. Been staying at home hugging a box of tissue.

Thank you

2006-10-13T17:22:00.000+07:00

Gave my heart away four years ago and now I'm taking it back
God let us knew each other for a reason
I was just growing up from being a young lady into a woman
Needed to learn about life and love
He gave me the one person who He thinks can show me just that
He gave me you
and you did a great job
Thank you.

The Break Up...

2006-09-21T12:02:00.000+07:00

A lot of my friends recommended me to watch The break up.. movie by Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. They told me it was an entertaining romantic comedy movie.

But.. turns out.. it wasn't entertaining at all. It was actually painful watching that movie.

My failed relationship flashed before me.. it seems like I was watching myself in the movie. I did the same exact thing as she did in the movie... the unstoppable nagging (in which I do without realizing), pretending to not care about loosing him in the hope of getting him closer, and I said the same exact thing as she did "I don't know how we got here.. but this is very hard to go through".

I felt sick to my stomach as I watched that movie.. and I thought to myself 'no wonder he can't take it.. I can't even survive if I have to be with someone like that'. I learn alot about myself for the past 1 year after that relationship.. and watching that movie was the turning point..

Well.. life is all about learning.. and although its hard.. I'm glad I watched the movie..

I hope I can be a better girlfriend for my next boyfriend.. amen..

I'm falling in love...

2006-07-20T16:40:00.000+07:00

Last monday was the beginning of the new term.. also.. a new chapter in my life. I am now the special needs coordinator. I will be working with the special needs children and some teacher assistant. So.. this is how it works, each special needs student will have a teacher assistant or shadow teacher.. and I will be guiding and assisting these shadow teacher in working with each special needs children while at the same time.. observing the kids on a weekly basis.

I have to say.. I'm pretty nervous and scared. I haven't done anything like this before.. and if I make a slightest mistake.. the impact will be the devastating for the children and their progress.

However, I'm lucky because there is not much special needs children at this point. Because of the severity of a boy, I'm also a shadow teacher for a 4 year old boy who have lower functioning compared to the others. Due to the confidentiality issue that I am bounded, I can't reveal much about this boy only that he has got no diagnosis yet (pathetic.. yeah I know.. things like this only happens in Indonesia). His parents went to several doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and specialists and all of them gave his parents different diagnosis.

I asked for a complete medical report to bring home and study during the holiday. So last monday was the first time I saw him. If there is such thing as falling in love at first sight.. I think this will be it. He's a lovely lovely boy.. of course, its not easy.. at all!! In fact, he's very difficult to handle, he's not verbal, he doesn't understand anything, very active and basically does everything his own way.. with him not understanding us and us not understanding him.

I am a firm believer of having priorities in life. These past few months, I have been trying to search for my priorities, however it all changes during the past few days. I didn't realize it until I experienced it myself. I was having a very bad headache one night, I decided to hit the bed early and sleep it off. I woke up with an even worst headache than the one I had the night before. Under normal circumstances, I would have reached my mobile and call in sick, but I didn't. I thought this boy will come in today, no one else knows what to do with him except me, and if I didn't come to school, his progress will surely go backwards (since he's at a very critical stage of settling in the new school and getting to know me too). So.. I did what I had to do.. I get myself together and to work.

He might be low fuctioning, but he seems to have some sort of a radar of something. He's very very active that day, very moody, cries a lot, and sometimes run and 'attack' me asking for a hug. I was very veryy tired, at some point he's pulling my hand, asking me to go with him to a play corner. As I got up, I can feel the whole room goes black and I can feel that I'm about to faint. I was about to loose it when suddenly, he sat in front of me, took both my hands and put them on his head and asking me to rub his head. Of course, it didn't last long, only about 5 seconds before he stood up and run around. But he made my day, he's made an excellent progress on his second day!! He feels safe enough, to request for comfort from me. We've already excel the first critical step just on his second day. Now that he trust me enough, the learning process can begin. Just as soon as the class finishes I told my supervisor that I need to go home. I already have fever and cold sweats by then.

I have been trying to search for priorities since the first day I work which is 7 months ago, now.. I finally got one. I've never felt this way before.. and I'm definitelly falling in love .. with each and every one of those children.

Not again......!!!

2006-07-16T23:36:00.000+07:00

I was just walking out of the gym thinking that I should stop and by some food before going home coz there wasn't any at home. But I don't know why.. I just kept walking as I pass by the fast food counter. It was like my mind knows i'm supposed to stop but instead I just kept walking. So.. I walked to the elevator and get to my car. As I drove out while searching for the exit way, I saw a woman frantically running to get into the car and the other cars around them were just so not in order. Usually people wait for other car to go before moving their own car.. but this time, everybody just moves. So.. being a very patient me.. I waited for them to get their way.. until the road was clear then I moved. As I drove slowly.. I saw to the right side and I was SHOCKED!! There was a car moving (not quite sure whether it was about to be parked or to go out), it was smoky all around it.. in fact, I couldn't even see the colour of the car because of all the smoke.. and worst of all.. the car was on fire!!! Real fire.. big ones!! I swear.. for a split second, I couldn't think.. it got to a point where I couldn't figure out which is the brake and which is the gas pedal. Luckily, I was fast enough to think that if the car explode then I could die because it was a basement parking lot. So I drove frantically almost crashing the other cars just to find the way out, and I drove around a couple of times before finally finding the exit way.

As soon as I got out and drove quite a distance from the mall where the gym is located, I stopped the car at the side.. and just breathe. I can feel my hands shaking so badly. I just breathe for a while and kept praying. A few minutes later, I drove off and got home safely.

Luckily nothing happened, the mall was alright and there was no explosion whatsoever.

Its just that.. I don't understand.. I've only been driving for 2 weeks and yet.. theres already so many shocking things happening. Is this some cosmic reaction or is it just me??

Terrible first

2006-07-05T19:08:00.000+07:00

Today was my first day driving off to work by myself (kedoya - kemang, lumayan banget loh..!!!) and guess what????? Gw NYASAR!! kemana?? ke RAGUNAN!! brapa kali?? 2 kalii!!! Mustiii banget ya nyasarnya ampe 2 kali.. dah gitu muternya jauuuuuuuh banget. All because I missed the tollway exit. I swear I almost cried while driving coz of the panic attack I'm having of not knowing where I freaking am. Usually it takes 45 minutes to work especially because the traffic was good since the school holiday, its supposed to take less then 45 minutes, but it took me freaking 1 and a half hour to get to work. I have to go through the same tollway 4 times, 2 for each direction, just to get to work. I was pretty nervous when I got Simprug coz seems to me all the motorcycles just wanted to hit my car or something. But when I got to Cilandak tollway, I thought to myself 'fiuhh, I'll be fine.. all I need to do now is to exit the tollway and turn to Ampera.' But I wasn't that lucky, I missed the freaking exit.

For those of you who knew me real well must've known that I'm not good in handling emergency situation and those scenarios described above was definitely one of them. Which is why I've been driving for a few years now but haven't really drove anywhere except places that are nearby my house. Which also explains why I don't know any directions or streets in Jakarta although I've lived in Jakarta since I was born. And to put the icing on the cake, I'm one of those people who are bad with directions. I have to go through the same road at least a zillion times before I know where I'm going.

However, I've noticed that my anxiety level increases for certain cases and it will be anything that are associated with electronics or car for that matter. I remember once, I was about to drive to Puri mall (nearest mall to my house), I put the key in to start the engine but it won't turn and I tried to move the steering wheel and it won't turn as well. So the steering wheel are locked and there I was panicking myself out, calling up people to help me out. Imagine the embarassment I had when I was finally being told that all I got to do is to turn the key while moving the steering wheel coz it was an automatic lock. F.y.i, I have the same reaction when something happen to computers too.

I used to dream of having my own car.. but now that I do, I wish I still have my driver taking me and picking me up from work. *sigh*

* My writings may seem meaningless and pointless, apologies coz it was written right after I got home. It was the blabbing and stressed me.

To whomever it may concern.. seriously!!

2006-06-27T21:46:00.000+07:00

Okay.. so here it goes. I have been getting a lot of faux calls a.ka. calling-and-hanging up. The frustrating thing was, I am sure whoever that was at the end of the line were listening to me saying 'Hello' a couple of times before hanging up the phone. Sometimes it was unknown/private number sometimes there are phone numbers. I tried calling back a couple of times but after a while, I just got tired.

I get a few different numbers in a day. Sometimes the same number calling in different days. A couple of the numbers actually send me an sms, talking to someone who seems to be their girlfriend/boyfriend. At first I thought it was just a misent message but then I thought if they are having a relationship what are the chances of them calling and sending messages to the wrong number over and over again.

Although I have to admit that I rarely picked up the phone, most of them were missed calls, especially if the calls were made after my working hours as I spent most of my non-working hours at the gym. So... to whomever you/people are, if you're calling me coz you hate me, I'd say suggest you come out of the dark and confront me rather than stalking me like that, and likewise if you are trying to get my attention, I'm telling you.. I'll be more than happy to make friends... but...... if you are trying to impress me, better do it right.

Takeaway from the weekend

2006-06-23T14:58:00.000+07:00

This is something that happened quite a lot, but it took me a while to actually sink in. It happened again almost everyday during the weekend. I went to a lot of conferences and seminars the past weekend, its basically seminars on special needs children. So as we would've guessed there are a lot of teachers, parents, psychologist, therapist, etc. One great thing about events like this was that we get to expand our networking system. I get to make friends with psychologists, therapists and lots other people who can help me with my work later on.

So, each time people would just come up during break time and talk, exchange phone numbers , exchange business cards and so on for future references. One thing that everybody said to me when they approach me was 'Hai there, are you a parent?', then I said 'No, I'm not married yet, I'm a teacher/counsellor for kids with special needs'. Then the same ol' response I got was 'Really, oh you look so young, aduh muda-muda uda jadi guru, pasti kamu guru paling muda ya di tempat kerja kamu'. And then that would be the time when you see a forced smile on my face.

The whole thing got me thinking. Since almost all of the people I met gave me the same approach, I was sort of forced to think about it and come to a very very very disturbing statement.

Apparently, I'm too young to be working but I'm just at the right age to be a parent.

Seriously.. what kind of crap is that??

Warning!! You might experience some unwanted stress after reading this.

2006-06-21T21:04:00.000+07:00

I have to say.. now, I know what its like to work under pressure!! Let me tell you.. it was unpleasant. Eversince I got back from Melbourne, I only got to enjoy around 2 weeks of relaxing. After that it was hell all the way. It was soo bad that I didn't even realize that I've been working every saturday for the past few weeks.

Its the school holiday period, and everybody must've thought 'hmn, how nice for people who work in schools coz they get holidays'. well.. WRONG! There are vacation program (a.k.a summer school) in the place I work in. And being the only overseas graduate it wasn't pleasant coz I get to do most (if not all) of the work. Mind you, everything is new to me at this point.. but would they caree?? Of course not.

Here's an example. At the beginning, I was told that I'll be assisting a teacher (a.k.a the owner who decided to participate during vacation program) in a class. However, a few days before the program starts they told me that I will be the teacher while the owner - who's supposed to be in charge - will be assisting. So there I was, trapped in a place where I don't want to be. I rushed and make a lesson plan in an hour (which are usually done in a week or so), I also have to make the list of equipments and materials and get them myself (usually all the materials are reported to the supervisors and they ordered it). And as if it wasn't enough, I was also asked to plan activities during Kids Day in some restaurants and malls, for promotional thing. And, as a counsellor, I need to prepare hell-a-lot of stuff for my special needs children (currently Autistic, Speech Delay, Down Syndrome kids), and before I do that, I have to look at their individual report (clinical, behavioural - usually a whole stack of report just for 1 kid), then I can make lesson plan (again, individual lesson plan for each special needs kid).

To top it off, this weekend I get to skip my Kids Day at a mall thing, no.. no.. not for relaxing. Instead, my weekend are going to be filled with conferences, seminars and workshops. How nice!!

Something funny.....

2006-06-16T22:49:00.000+07:00

Something funny happened today while I was in the classroom with my 5 year olds students..

During our journal writing session, me and 3 kids were sitting around the table. It was a free writing day, where they can write about anything they want. They were struggling to pronounce some of the words out loud as it is going to make the spelling and writing easier. Some of them were asking me questions like 'Miss Sylvia, how do you spell the word 'restaurant'? and etc. One of the kids were sitting there and just brainstorming as she got stuck. She have no idea on what she's going to write. After around 15 minutes, she got frustrated. Her friend who was sitting next to her came to her rescue.

(+) ~ is my student who is confused on what to write
(-) ~ is my other student who tried to help her confused friend.. and..
(Me) ~ is me

(+) What am I suppose to write aboutt?? I don't know what to write.
(Me) Write about your holiday to Korea... (while sharpening a box pencils)
(+) No.. (while shaking her head)
(-) Why don't you write about your weekends.. or your family.. or your pets?
(+) (Still shaking her head)
(-) Or.. you can write that Miss Sylvia is very pretty and she's also our favourite teacher.

I stopped doing whatever I was doing and was just surprised. Keep in mind that I was also trying very very hard not to burst out laughing.. because I would have to spent at least 15 minutes on explaining why I was laughing. Instead I did the next safe thing, I said thank you. Then I thought to myself.. since when does 5 year olds starts learning to kiss ass?

Reminisce

2006-06-06T22:48:00.000+07:00

This time it felt as if I was forced to feel it all again. Although we never really walked the streets of Melbourne together, somehow everything seems to be filled with memories of you. Getting a surprise and very sweet phone call when I was waiting for the tram or a romantic message when I was walking in Melbourne Central. Maybe its because, for the whole time I was there, my heart was always filled with you. That is what made it all different, back then you were in my heart the whole time. This time I'm still walking the same streets but there's no more you in my heart or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Finally.......!!!!!!

2006-05-29T15:28:00.000+07:00

I still can't believe that I finally graduated. That was what most of my friends said to me when we met on the day of graduation. I knew that I am graduating since November, when I finished my uni and received the results. However, since my university did not have too many international students, they didn't have international student graduation. So I have to wait 6 months for the graduation ceremony.

Throughout the 6 months waiting period, I never thought it would be such a big deal. At some point, I told my parents that I don't mind not going as it is such a waste of money to fly the whole family across the country just to see me walk across the stage for 1 minute. But they said, its going to be worth it. I guess they are right. I started having butterflies in my stomach the night before the big day. I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning all night long. And the worst part was waiting in line to walk up the stage. Just as the person in front of me walk off, I felt as if I'm going to faint, and when my full name was finally called, I can feel my whole body trembling. It was definitely an out of body experience as I couldn't remember the feeling when I'm walking across the stage.

And I have to say, the best part of it all is to see the smile that my parents have in their faces. That makes it all worth it. I'm dedicating it to my parents for trying very hard to make it to this day. And also all my relatives and friends, for keeping me company while I study for exams, helping me out with my assignments, and putting up with my crappy attitude when I can't take the pressure of studying. I hope this makes it all worth the while.

Here are some pictures... enjoy.....

~ The Day ~

~ The Party ~

(Thank you all for coming..)

Romantic or desperate?

2006-05-04T18:50:00.000+07:00

We all know that when girls get together, one of the most talked about topic are .. guys. And often, they tell stories about their boyfriend, their friend's boyfriend or their friends' friend's boyfriend.. Telling us some of the good and bad things the boyfriend did to their girlfriend. Being girls, we compare.. between A's boyfriend to B's boyfriend, or A's boyfriend to C's boyfriend or even.. their boyfriend to my boyfriend (secretly in my mind of course!). And more often than not, they tell stories about boyfriends who did something disturbingly romantic for the girlfriend.

A friend of mine, told me a story where her friend was in a long distance relationship when they broke up after a heated argument. The guy actually flew all the way across the country to apologize and get back with her. Just as he arrived from a 5-6 hours flight, he didn't even rest or checked-in first, he took a taxi to the girl's house. Since it was already late at night, he couldn't really knock on the door since the girl's parents were there. So he threw some peebles at the window.. and he apologized. Right there and then!!

At that point, I was trying to imagine how the girl must've felt. I think she must've felt as if her prince charming was there to rescue her in his white horse and away they go to live happily ever after.

But then.. it got me thinking.. what would it be like if the 2 characters are switched. The girl instead of the guy who flew all the way and apologize?

So here's the question..

When men attempted bold-disturbingly-romantic-gestures, its generally considered romantic. But why is it that when women do it, its often considered desperate or psycho. How can we ever prove that it was neither, that its just pure and simple love or sorry?

Its like saying men are allowed to be romantic, but women are never allowed to be romantic and when they did try, they are just plain desperate. There was once when I tried to plan the perfect event for my boyfriend after a really bad argument to show him how sorry I am and how much he meant to me and I was telling my friends about it. I was expecting the ooh's and aah's so sweet response, instead all I got was 'Are you sure.. Don't you think he'd be freaked out if you did that? He might think of you as desperate or crazy'.

The best explanation that I can think of for this might be because of pride. We all know that men are famous for their pride and ego. And by being soooo romantic the guy are ignoring their so called manhood - the pride and ego, in exchange for the girl's love and forgiveness.

Personally, I have to admit that I am a hopeless romantic. It doesn't take a fly-across-the-country to give me the goosebumps, its just as simple as showing up unexpectedly for lunch or to take me home after work. For me, its not so much about how much effort, sometimes its just little things.. I think it goes by the saying.. its the thought that counts.

Ps: If I'm the girl in the story where the boyfriend flew all the way to apologize I would've jumped out of the window straight away. :p

Pleasee...

2006-04-09T22:05:00.000+07:00

Hey guys.. if you have the time would you please gladly fill out these survey..

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Sylvee

Thanks a bunchh..

One of the many ways to get a husband

2006-04-03T20:44:00.000+07:00

I've just realized that its really not so hard to get a husband.. sometimes people often offer you their son, their cousin, their nephew or even themselves....... FOR ALL THE WRONG REASON!!

Three out of the many incidents:

I met the mother of a sister's friend, she was very welcoming and friendly.. and we chat quite a lot. She asked me questions such as.. have you graduate? where did you graduate? what i'm doing now? working where and bla.. bla.. bla.. and suddenly she commented 'How I wish I have a son.. If I do.. I'd ask him to go after you.. you're hardworking, you love kids, and you can cook too.'

another incident......

A guy was going after me.. and one night on an unwanted date he said 'I can't imagine there's still girls like you in this modern area, u're a graduate, you cook and you love kids'.

and yet another incident......

A friend of my mom was trying to fix me up with one of his sons... I guess you'd know the reason why.. by now!

feeling very insulted, I replied the same way to everybody......

'Why don't you get a maid to marry you/your son/your nephew instead?'

relationship..??

2006-03-09T19:11:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I wonder:

What does relationship really means and how does it really work?

Are we in the relationship because we like our partner's characteristics and personality? Or are we in a relationship because we are able to come to terms with out partner's not-so-pleasant characteristics and personality and can actually love them for being whoever they are?

I've seen a couple of cases where they are just smitten with their partner for the first couple of months (or years in some cases). But when things are going the other direction, they started to act like a complete ass and just treat their partner with total disrespect? When that happens, I just smiled and thought to myself. What happens to the old saying 'every problems has its own way out'? I believe that if they stayed long enough to actually solve the problem together, instead of just quitting and leave, they would've made it (remembering at how they used to adore each other).

On the contrary, I've also seen cases where they just grow to love the person even more, together with their hard-earned understanding towards their partner. Understanding their partner's unbearable bad ol' habit and not trying to change or discourage their habit at all!! And when bad things happen to the relationship, they can actually look back at how they used to love each other so much and treasure it enough to believe that there's something in the relationship that worth all the effort and patience.

To be honest, I used to be the girl who complain a lot.. about every little thing. But through time, I learn that those habit that used to pissed you off so bad can actually make you miss them when you loose it. And at some point, you just wished so hard that you could actually experience it again.

A fine line.

2006-01-31T09:53:00.000+07:00

I wonder: When does life becomes so complicated?

Every little things used to easily makes you smile and feel thankful that you're alive.. often you even feel so lucky to have such a life...

.. suddenly.. nothing in this life can make you smile.. you can't even remember the last time when you felt really happy.. and you start missing the smile on your face that came from the happiness within yourself.

I guess there really is a fine line between simple and complicated.

Life is just so weird.

Anyway..

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone...
Gong Xi Fa Cai, Wan Shi Ru Yi, Nian Nian You Yu.
Have a great doggie year ahead...

Untitled

2006-01-22T14:27:00.000+07:00

I was sitting in the dark, alone, in my room.. listening to the jazz music played on the radio. Suddenly I burst into tears.. I don't know how.. I don't know why.. it just happened.

Have you ever felt so alone even though you are surrounded by so many people? Have you ever felt so unhappy that nothing in this life seems to matter?

All I know is that I feel so lost. I don't know why I'm feeling all this confusing feeling that has been juggling up inside my heart and thoughts. I'm not supposed to be thinking about all this, its in the past and its over.

I was hurt so bad that I don't even know who I am anymore, don't know what to believe anymore. Still can't believe what had happened.. still can't believe that someone whom I trust with my heart would do such a thing.. and the hardest part was swearing at myself for still having all this feelings towards you when the right thing to do is hating you.

Despite all of that, I don't want to break down like I did before..

I wish I can just run away.. and escape my past.. But I know I can't..

So.. I'm just waiting.. waiting for life to turn around..

The Present Me

2006-01-15T17:49:00.000+07:00

The past week was my first day of work, I'm now officially a preschool teacher and assistant psychologist in an international school somewhere in Kemang.

But so far, I'm quite enjoying it because the kids are so cute. I think throughout the day, smile was never off my face. Sometimes its the babytalk-words they try so hard to say, sometimes its something they do.. believe it or not.. when I'm changing their nappies, they can make me smile just by saying something very cute. Most of the kids I'm teaching are kiddies under 3 years of age. There are Indonesian, Caucasian and mixed kids (one parent Indonesian and the other one Caucasian). Its funny how those kids with blue eyes and blonde hair are speaking fluent Indonesian language.

Unfortunately there's one not-so-pleasant thing about my work, I have to travel a great distance everyday to get to and from the school. And lately, on my way to work, I was often lost in my own thoughts.. looking at the buildings around Kuningan, stressing about the traffic and public transport.. I just can't believe that I'm here in Jakarta, freshly graduants with a not-so-healed-state-of-emotion.

Somehow its like an out of body experience for me.. I've been wanting so bad to finish university and come back home, work with the kids and be with my best friends.. and right now everything is just like how I want it to be.

So why do I feel so unhappy.. it seems like something in my life is missing..

The Countdown

2006-01-11T20:23:00.000+07:00

Just like what I've promised, this is one of the many pictures taken during the countdown. The party turns out to be a blast and it was totally fun with the whole family.

Ps: I spent 6 hours doing the decorations!! But it was worth it!!!!!

Happy Belated New Year Everyone.. May this year will bring happiness, joy and success for all of you.

What I've been doin

2005-12-24T10:47:00.000+07:00

For the past two weeks, I haven't been working at the office, instead.. I've been staying at home, preparing for Christmas and New Year.

Setting up the christmas tree.. this year, its yellow, red and gold for the tree.. To be honest, christmas in Jakarta is pretty pathetic. Coz, there's no christmas spirit AT ALL!! Its just like any other day, but then again.. we can't complain..

Other than christmas tree.. I've also been keeping myself busy with decorations for new year. Me and my extended family have a tradition upon celebrating New Year. 2 years ago, the whole family gather at one of our relative's house and all of us were expected to wear Balinese-style dresscode, since the theme for the evening are 'Jimbaran Barbeque Party'. The males are wearing some Balinese style shirt with knee-length pants and females are wearing tank tops and Balinese sarong. We also ate using the traditional rattan-made plate plus banana leaf at the base of the plate. Not only that, we also put up some torch around the garden and floating candles in the pool. Its held mostly around the garden, with a few barbeque pits. It was reallyy fun...

This year's theme is as fun as the one before.. I promise I'll write about it once its done.. Who knows if you're lucky I'll post up some pictures as welllll...

For the time being.. not only Ashley, I'd also like to wish everybody..

.....A Very Merry Christmass.....

A bit of a confession

2005-12-09T09:15:00.000+07:00

I have to admit.. I am a self-confessed shoe addict.

I've been staying at home for a few days now due to me being sick. So I've just been cleaning up stuff, my clothes, books, accesories and...... shoes. I was a bit shocked at how many pairs I own. From strappy sandals to stilettos.. from short to very high heels.. u name it!! Well, I'm not really that shocked since I know about my passion for shoes, but I guess this is the time when I have to admit it. eekhhh...

However, the one thing that I'm realizing was that.. I'm always smiling everytime I walked into the shoe room and see all my shoes sitting there soo beautifully!! And, that thought of having too much shoes actually magically disappear whenever I'm in a mall walking through shoe stores.

Sometimes I wondered at how much people are willing to spend for their hobby purposes. For example, I've heard of people who are collecting porcellain dolls and they are willing to pay millions to have the dolls delivered from an unknown parts of the world just to have the dolls sit in the cabinet in their home. It sounds illogical to me, but when I thought about my shoe obsession, I kinda feel a cringe..

Am I one of those illogical person? How many shoes does a person needs, after all we only have a pair of feet?

But then again, shoes are definitely different from porcelain dolls, they don't just sit there in the cabinet..... we actually wear them every now and then.. and so the money we paid wasn't that useless afterall...

Adaptation

2005-12-07T09:48:00.000+07:00

I have been home for a month now, and I have to say that its been a very 'confusing' month. Being home again felt nice, because you're surrounded by the poeople you love and care. Its the sort of feeling that says you're gonna be fine no matter what happen because you have them. But, I have to say, home was not much like a home this time around.

My house doesn't feel as comfortable, my bedroom doesn't feel as warm, the roads that I travel doesn't feel as safe.. as before. Maybe its just my adaptation period. At some point, I thought to myself, maybe I should go back and stayed in Australia instead. My eyes are somewhat open to the fact that Jakarta is an unsafe city to be in, the pollution, the recklessness, and the selfishness of the people who live in it. Those people who does not regards law as something important and thus chose to live and pretend that law didn't exist.

Most of all, the biggest change that I have to go through was the independence part. I feel as if I'm being ripped off my own independence. Its as if you have your legs and feet but u're unable to go anywhere.. just because your driver and car was unavailable at times when you need them. I miss being able to just leave the house and catch a safe public transport or walk at the side of the road whenever I feel the urge to sit in a cafe and chat with my friends. Without having to consider the traffic, or trying to manage the time so that it doesn't clash with the time when my driver have to pick up my sister from school, or my parents from the office.

And right now, I feel as though I have to choose between my family and friends.. or my independence.

My angels

2005-12-01T21:23:00.000+07:00

I've officially neglected my blog for a month!! I'm so sorry people.. I wouldn't make any excuses but I haven't been online much since I'm back in Jakarta. Well, one reason why I haven't been writing was because I've started working and on the weekends I'm always with my girlfriends. Last weekend, they stayed over at my place. The three of us went out for dinner which lasts for like almost 3 hours because we just couldn't stop talking!! Throughout the night and the day after, we just kept talking, laughing, and having fun. Sometimes I wonder, how is it possible that we never ran out of topics to talk about? We talked about everything, just before we dozed off to sleep, even when one were in shower and the other one were doing make up and the other one just standing and blabbing on, also when we're making something in the kitchen (although I will never ever go near a kitchecn again when you guys are around - my poor chicken pastry was almost inedible).

To me, friendships are much like relationships too, they won't just grow and stay alright by itself. Like plants, it needs to be watered in order to grow. My girlfriends were one of the reason why I've decided to come back to Jakarta. I just can't imagine like without them. This year has been a very hard year for me to go through, and they were always there for me eventhough we're far apart. The funny thing was, I was hurt so bad before and they hated the person who hurt me much more than I hate him. Now, because of them, I'm better than I was before, although I still need them every now and then to yank me out of my shitty mood and weirgh thoughts, but I know that I will alway need them.

If I were to describe them in 2 words, I'd describe them as my conscience. I will always have them in my heart and head all the time, no matter how far apart we are, or how lonely I will be. Its funny how often we finish each other's sentence, we knew what each other's thinking without asking, we know something's wrong just from a simple 'hello' when they picked up the phone.. most of all we knew each other so well that we can predict what the others would do or say during a situation.

And I know that I will be just find as long as I have you as my friends.

Dedicated to my very special angels who have always spread their wings to keep me safe and warm, Irine and Therry.

Ps: Can't wait to see you girls this weekend, lets party and go man-hunting..

There's always a goodbye to every hello

2005-10-31T14:11:00.000+07:00

No matter how shitty the hello was.. the goodbye is always gonna be sad. Be it a relationship or the end of university life. Sometimes I wonder.. where's the good in goodbye.

Two weeks ago was my last day of semester. And it felt weird. As I walked out of the lecture theatre with my friends. All of us walked in silence and thought to ourselves that we will never have to sit in here anymore.

And today was my last day of exam after 4 grueling exams, days of sleepless nights its finally over.

After years of struggle and stressed out nights, this day finally comes. And frankly, I'm still in the process of grasping the whole thing.

Weird but true.. I felt a bit sad. No matter how tiring it is.. this is the life I've been living for the past 4 years..

......... and now I'm on to another chapter of life.

International Gay Rules

2005-10-25T07:34:00.000+07:00

With the outbreak of infidelity cases around me, I often wonder.. Have we all taken part in pursuing the International Gay Rules? For those of you who does not know, here's some of the rules: open-relationship (its not ok to date someone else, but its ok to have sex - take note, limited kind of sex as in blow jobs only), never show up at the same place with the same shirt and loads more.

My point here is that, have we worked out more options in performing infidelity than the till-death-do-us-part which obviously seemed to be limiting for those who perfom infidelity. Their response was because they were being a realists therefore they do not expect to get everything from one man.

Frankly, I can understand that. There were times when I wished that my perfect-according-to-me-man would do such and such and would say certain things. And when things get rough, female do sometimes unconsciouly (note the bold in the word) try to change the man into someone they're not just to satisfy our emotional needs. But personally, that's the thing about relationship isn't it? To be able to try and learn to accept whoever we choose to love. There is no such thing as a perfect man, there's always gonna be the good sides and the bad sides and that's why we have to be able to make a choice. To weigh out which bad ones we can live with and which good ones we can't live without.

That is my personal definition of realistic.

Which explain why I'm a strong believer in monogomous relationship. I have always hated people who cheated on their partner. Long before it happened to me (now that it happened to me, I hate it even more). I've seen many many cases of infidelity, although it looks like the severity of the cases spreads along a continuum from one end-the mild case, to the other end-the severe (very fucked up one). But to me, its still the same thing, doesn't matter how long, with who, or however they did it. Its still infidelity. I think that if we're mature enough to be in a relationship, we should also be mature enough to know that we have to clean up the mess of one relationship before going on a new one. That's what being an adult means.

It takes two person to start a relationship, and it also takes two person to screw it up. Although the one performing infidelity is always seen as the bad guy, I'm sure the victim of infidelity have a part in screwing up the relationship as well, but if it didn't work out.. then it didn't work out. Make a clean break, and start fresh.

But then again, who can really define infidelity because I believe that there are different definitions of cheating. To name a few: developing emotional closeness/feelings towards other people when in a relationship, lying to their partner about that significant other (be it going out or routine calls, etc), sleeping with someone else when he/she is attached (with or without feelings involved), and many more.

I'm not going to be hypocritical and said that I will not cheat because frankly, I do not know what's going to happen in the future. I only believed that I have to treat other people just like how I want other people to treat me. I can only hope that I won't have to do that to other people, because heart is very fragile thing and love can be a very sharp sword that rips it apart..... and also because I've been through it, and no one deserve to be treated like that especially when that person trully love the other partner..

~~~~~~~~~~

Ps: This is not a personal attack on any gay couples. I respect you all just like I respect every other human being in this planet. And I know there is a lot of monogomous gay couples as well. This is merely a personal opinion that I have in regards to the rules.

A year older

2005-10-18T08:58:00.000+07:00

Today.. I'm a year older.

I would like to thank everybody who send me messages, calling me up, to wish me the very best in life and a great birthday. Thank you very much everybody. I really appreciate it. I wish all of you the same in return.

Although, I wish there would be no birthday for me this year. If I can just sleep pass it. Wake up and my birthday would be yesterday and never having to go through it.. would be so much better.

Its just a stupid day.. waiting for a call that never get through.. waiting for a message that never get in..

I guess this would be the perfect time to be brave and tell myself that its over. We were not even friends anymore.. we're simply strangers. Turns out, the whole time we were together was simply a lie. You are the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.

Goodbye..

Lovable.....?

2005-10-15T20:10:00.000+07:00

My friend told me that I'm lovable.

My response was.. 'Ha? What?'

I might be motherly.. yes. Somestimes mature.. yes. But lovable? I was never lovable. Since when the word lovable was used to describe me? And since when do I become lovable?

To be honest, thinking about it after a while.. I don't even know what that word means. All I know is that any english word with something-ble at the end means it 'can be (something)' When I tried to use examples, like.. huggable which means that thing/person can be hugged, edible means it can be eaten. Lovable.. can be loved?? I thought everybody can be loved by somebody. Or am I getting it wrong?

Maybe it should be loathable instead of lovable..

Rebound

2005-10-13T17:47:00.000+07:00

I've been told that the easiest way to move on from a bad breakup is to have a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Be it a real partner or just a rebound-guy/girl, either way it helps you to forget about the ex easily? Is that really true?

Would it be fair if I go out with someone that I don't even care about just so that I can move on from my past relationship? It would be like playing with other people's feelings, wouldn't it? To me it feels like I'm taking advantage of whoever that guy might be, that I'm only with him because I want to move on and forget about my past. And also, I can't even imagine having to pretend that I love that person while the truth is I'm still thinking about the ex and wat happened between us. Imagine if the rebound guy/girl ever finds out that they were with us only because they happen to be at the right time and place when we're desperately in need of someone and not because we really love them. How would they feel?

I might be naive, but I believe in cleaning up the mess of one relationship before going on a new one. I prefer a fresh and honest start to a relationship. I think that people who need rebounds are cowards who are willing to create a mess but are not willing to clean it up and prefer to just leave like nothing ever happened. Especially when it involves feelings of other people as well, like family members, and not just between the two person.

When it involves family, I'd like to think that I get into the relationship and the family with a clean start and good attitude and I'd like to leave the same way, without any grudges or whatsoever. I see that as a responsibility and I think I owe it to them for giving me a very nice welcome to the family.

And that's just what I did. I spoke to each of the siblings and I express my gratitude for welcoming me into the family and apologies for having to end it the way it did. And sending my very best regard to their mom, I didn't have the courage to personally talk to her because I know its going to make everything so much harder knowing that I cared about her very much.

*Dedicated to a special family, you are always in my heart and my prayer.

Picking up the pieces

2005-10-05T21:41:00.000+07:00

Me and my precious girlfriends were talking a lot about heartbreak lately (believe me when I say we have a fucked up love life). Well, we talked about heartbreak and one of us broke up just a while ago, eventually they work things out and they're back together now and she told me something that really hits me.

She said 'He had punched my heart. Not broke, punched. If it was broken, I'd still be upset now.'

And, it made me think. My heart was not just punched, it was broken. Thats why I am still upset, I am still heartbroken, its been months, which to me felt like forever. And although I have done everything in my power to be okay again, although I have done everything that I can possibly do that constitute getting over and moving on.. I am still hurt.

Its not going to be as easy because my heart was not just punched, it was broken. It was shattered into little pieces. That's why its harder and it takes longer to pick each piece up and put it back together. Especially when each piece are left in places that used to be sweet memories and now, the pieces are just cutting me up and making me bleed.

I looked back at the time when this all just happened, and it scares me. The pain was simply excruciating. The thought of not being able to wake up in the morning, and not being able to live my life ... is devastating. I told my girlfriends that I will never love anyone like I used to ever again. I will not give up my heart to someone completely again. My heart might be punched by some other bastard eventually, but I won't let it be broken and shattered into pieces ever again.

I will never forgive myself if I have to go though this one more time in future. I was lucky to be able to pass through this time alive, I don't think I'd be that lucky the second time around.

Set shrink mode +on.

2005-10-03T21:50:00.000+07:00

‘Syl, don’t start analyzing and pulling up your shrink acts on me’

‘Syl, don’t go all psychological on me’

or..

‘You study psychology, can you analyze my personality?’

‘Can I have your phone number, I have this issue that I need to talk about’

Well people.. the truth is.. I wouldn’t be able to be your friend AND your shrink. Being a shrink means I can’t comment on anything you said, I can’t hug you when you needed a hug, I can’t comfort you when you cry, I can’t call you up and check on you, and the list goes on.

To a friend, I’d ask questions and throw in some personal opinions and comments about the presented issues, but to a patient I am not allowed because as human we tend to structure our question in such a way that the respond will be just like what we expected and we won’t be able to comment so that we won’t influence patient’s personal point of view.

To a friend, I’d comfort them and hug them when they need one. To a patient, I can’t even hand out a tissue when they cried. I can only put a box of tissue for them to grab by themselves. Because offering them tissue might be perceived as telling them to stop crying or even patient might feel that they were being rejected, that their feelings and emotions were not appreciated.

To a friend, I would call you up every now and then to ask if you’re okay or if you needed anything. To a patient, I have to keep a professional level of relationship, to avoid patient’s over-dependence. Because positive development are happening while patient are seeing the shrink, and most patient will not be able to live their life and make their own decisions without consulting it with the shrink.

and.. as I said.. the list goes on..

Which is why my friend, I can assure you that you definitely do not want to have me as your shrink. Because then I’ll start to smile and nod to you as a sign that I’m still listening, and the only form of conversations from me would be the confirming type, which means I’m repeating everything that you just said and confirming it with you. For example, you: I just ate an orange and I’m feeling full, me: So you’re saying that you’re feeling satiated because you ate a lot of oranges. Yes my friend, that will the type of conversation WE are going to have if I am to be your shrink and I’m sure I’m gonna have my ass kicked if that’s how I respond to my friend’s issues.

So.. the moral of this post is.. if you want me to be your friend, I can’t be your shrink and if you want me as you shrink, I can’t be your friend.

Recovery

2005-09-27T14:18:00.000+07:00

Akhir Cerita Cinta
by Glen Fredly

Sandiwarakah selama ini
Setelah sekian lama kita tlah bersama
Inikah akhir cerita cinta
Yang slalu aku banggakan
di depan mereka
Entah dimana
Ku sembunyikan rasa malu

Kini harus aku lewati
Sepi hariku tanpa dirimu lagi
Biarkan kini kuberdiri
Melawan waktu
Tuk melupakanmu
Walau pedih hati
Namun aku bertahan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everytime this song was played.. I always move away. The boys realized it.. and they sang it once in a while.. and I always cover my ears when they did.. turns out, they did that on purpose.. because they want me to face my pain and sorrow..

Today, I tried listening to it for the very first time.. because I thought I was strong enough.. But I wasn't that lucky.. I cried and I felt so stupid.. stupid for going back to feel it again.

But they told me that I was wrong. They told me that only a strong person have the courage to face the pain, and that they're very proud of me for having the courage to face it and although I ended up crying, this is only my first attempt, who knows I'd be smiling when I listen to it the second time around.

I still cried.. my heart still ache everytime I think about you. If only I know how you're doing. If only I can hear your voice again. I missed you.. so much.

The after-the-breakup-meeting.

2005-09-26T20:29:00.000+07:00

What is it with guys and their 'plin-plan'-ness?!?!?!?

I notice that when a guy break off a relationship and somehow after a certain period of time, they would suddenly ask the ex-girlfriend out again. For whatever reason that might be, the standard one was 'I just wanna see you and see how u're doin'. AND.. usually being the girl who's still not over him yet we're just thrilled by the invitation and followed by a 'yes' to the meeting.

And not only that.. when they finally met, the guy would act and pretend as if nothing has happened.. he'd still try to hug and kiss and hold hands .. just like the old times, like the break-up has never happened.

I mean.. come on guys.. stand on your ground.. u've made your decision. Stay with it!! Don't be giving mixed signals.. our heart is at risk heree! One minute, u'd be saying u're out of love or scared for whatever reason that might be.. the next minute u're saying u miss us and u can't let go of us.. During the recovery period, u're gone enjoying your newfound freedom, while we're just staying put trying so hard to wake up in the morning and live our life. When we're almost alright, you came back right in and put us back in square one. To put it easier, you only know how to screw it up, then u'll leave a mess for us to clean, when its almost clean, you came right back to screw it up again.

We're not a freakin teddybear where you can hug when u want too and throw when u're bored. Goddamit!!

Need liquor.. badly!!

2005-09-20T15:24:00.000+07:00

I'm officially a walking zombie!!

I don't have enough sleep.

I don't have time for any social life.

I'm totally worn-out.

I'm literally sick most of the time.

..And its all because of my-never-ending-bloody-assignments!!

Its been goin on and on and on for almost 2 freakin months now.. finished one then start the next one.. handed it in.. and straight to the next.. I don't even have the time to just take a breath .. and I'm going out of my mind!!

I'm currently doing my Cognitive Psychology Laboratory Report which is my LAST assignment. After this, there will be no more assignments for me!! a few days of hibernating followed by studying for my exams...!!

So as a psyc students, our assignments are always lab reports. We did a research on some psychological issues (depending on the subject) and after the research we need to generate the results and past research and present an individual laboratory report on the research. This morning, we had a Cognitive Psyc class, and there were no studying involved. The whole 2 hour was to talk about our upcoming assignment. All the psyc student in my class were practically going insane coz we had no freakin idea on what to do. The research was supervised by this crazy and weird psychologist and we were cursing him sooo bad this time. At one point, one of the guys in my class yelled 'Geez, even giving birth is not as hard as this shit'.

Me and my girlfriends were working in groups and after an hour or so .. foul words started coming out and and we cracked up laughing all the time. That is how stressed out we all are. One of us suggested that when this all assignment thing is over, we should go to a chocolate bar and have some nice warm chocolate and strawberry fondue.. before she even finished talking, the other girl cut in and said 'I need liquor after this.. really strong ones'.

As for me..... I have my boys to count on after thiss.. a weekend of partying, clubbing and paint-balling... Lets get pissed and wasted boyss!!

Sex and The City addict

2005-09-19T20:55:00.000+07:00

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time, partly because of my obsession with it. Yes, I'm talking about Sex and The City. I've watched it for about 5 times (I have the DVD from season 1 to 6, although I still need to get the second part for season 6) and I'm never bored of it. I would still watch it from time to time. That is how much I'm obssessed with it.

After watching the movie, I somehow feel... liberated. Its those type of feeling you get after having a great night out with your girlfriends. And it made me realizes that no matter how many jerks and assholes coming my way, I still have my girls to fall back on. Yes, I have my own little circle of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. Each of our characteristic is somehow identical with the respective character in the movie. We have a Miranda who wants to be successful in her career, of course she wants to get married and have kids and all, but that'll come later in life. We also have a Samantha who treats relationship as something that come and go. She might get sad over a breakup, but she got over it before a blink of an eye. We might have a possible Charlotte now as one of us might be getting married in the near future *wink wink*.

My friends used to see me as a Charlotte, a lady who believes in true love, perfect wedding and happy family. I used to be like that, but I think I'm becoming a Carrie now. At one point in my life.. I even have my own Mr.Big and I was trying real hard to cover it coz I can't imagine how they'll react to the fact that I was my ex's affair. Of course, I can't cover it up for long. The first girl who found out about it cracked up laughing and of course were attacking me with questions. The other was just surprised and was telling me to stop it right away. I think she was pretty mad at me too at the time.

Well, back to my girls. We were similar to the movie in a sense that, we talked about everything.. i mean everything!! From bitching about someone else's outfit to waxing to guy's body parts. And we were as crazy as the 4 characters as well. It almost felt like, when we're together, we can do everything. I guess 'girl power' really does exist hey..

We're always trying to be there for each other.. used the word trying because we lived in different country.. for now!! But we still keep each other updated about everything that happened in each of our lives. Of course, there's arguments and fighting.. but it always ended up good.

And now.. I'm missing them more than ever..

Prisoner of the past

2005-09-13T22:37:00.000+07:00

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.

(Carrie Bradshaw)

Everywhere I go, I always hear people saying something about looking into the future and not looking back into the past.. even my yoga instructor said that today during our relaxation period. But is it really that simple?

To me, that would be the hardest thing to do. It almost feel like having my feet chained into a ball-and-chain and I have to put a tremendous effort in pulling them, only to have them move a few centimetres forward each time. Imagine having to walk with your feet chained like that inside a very long-dark-tunnel, and you're just dying to see the glimpse of light that marked the end of the tunnel.

My feet might be chained into the amazingly heavy ball-and-chain right now. But the thing is, everybody told me that I know how to let it loose and leave the burden and weights behind, if only I try harder. And it got me thinking, maybe they were right, maybe I was too scared to let it go, because then I'll loose the sound of the weights dragging and scratching against the road. And at some point, I'd rather choose to pull the heavy weights than being lonely, without having any sound that used to keep me company along my journey. Somehow, the sound itself has manage to give me a sense of security.

I know I have to let it go, because then I don't have to drag the weights and I can start running and who knows before I even realized it, I've reached the end of the tunnel. The hardest part is.. letting go of something that has become a part of me. The thoughts of letting go of something that has kept me feeling secure was unbearable. At times like this, we started making unreasonable excuses on why we should keep them despite the obvious reasons on why we should just chuck it out. And before we know it, we're becoming someone we're not. We started noticing different things about ourselves, we started hearing comments from our closest friends on how we've changed. And at some point, you just feel so angry, angry because suddenly the world is turning against you. Sometimes you even feel like sanity is far beyond your reach.

Maybe some of us thinks that holding on makes us a stronger person, but sometimes it is letting go that makes the significant difference. It might even give you back your sanity and the great and wonderful 'you' everybody used to know.

Throughout my journey through the deep-and-dark-tunnel, every step will be very hard to take because it goes further and further away from the only thing that ever matters to me and the only thing makes me feel secure. But maybe I should give it a chance, who knows, the view might be much more beautiful from the other side.

......

2005-09-10T00:15:00.000+07:00

"The Innocent Ones"

by Hidden In Plain View

Long goodbyes and second chances
Forgiving all we fight for, forgetting all we lose
Cause we're losing it all the way things happen
Doing all we do to fill up the quiet
Break the awkward silence consuming our lives
We're spending our time keeping our distance
And speaking trivial, and trite.

And I'll find some way to cut myself open, over and over again
And I'll find some way to bury it all

And so let's be honest because I am through holding my breath as my lungs breathe for you
The air is too thin inside this room

I need this like the water in my lungs
The drowning in silence, biting my restless tongue
Because we're too consumed, too shallow
Playing the victims, playing the innocent ones

And I'll find some way to cut myself open, over and over again
And I'll find some way to bury it all

And so let's be honest because I am through holding my breath as my lungs breathe for you
The air is too thin inside this room
(I'm taking my last breathe for you, this life is leaving)
And so let's be honest because I am through breaking my heart as my veins bleed for you
The air is too thin inside this room

(So go, breathe in the air, leave me gasping for air, so go breathe in everything I am)

(And so let's be honest because I am through holding my breath as my lungs breathe for you)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, its true.. 'my lungs breath for you'.. for the whole time we were together every breath I take was for you.. that is how much I love you.

'I am holding my breath'.. and I still do. I don't know how much longer I can keep holding my breath.. I want to stop holding my breath and let loose.. even if dying is the consequences.. I don't care.. living life like this makes life meaningless..

Most of the time, I feel like dying. Not because of you.. but for myself. So that I can just put an end to the pain. Because I don't think I can take it much longer.

How is it possible that I love someone more than I love life itself?

How is it possible that someone so precious hurt me that much?

Its so hard to let you go. You've ruined my life, you've taken away everything I've ever believed in. but why does it feel so hard to let you go?

How to hate you when my love was more than words can describe?

When will this pain go away?

Why does tears keeps streaming down my face?

When will I forget how you look, how you smell, how you laugh?

Don't I still deserve some happiness?

I will give up everything, just to get all the pain away. I'm not asking for much.. I just want the pain to go away.

What the......... !!!!!!!

2005-09-06T10:23:00.000+07:00

I was walking around the city going into small stores at the side of the road when I notice a box of gum called the Handzoff. I thought to myself it was a funny name for a gum, and so I picked it up and read it.

Yes.. true to the name.. it was really to keep hands off something..

Its an anti-masturbatory gum.

In the package it says something like 'When you're having a sudden urge and not in a good situation, pop one of these and you'll be fine for the next 4 to 6 hours. And you may take up to 120 pieces daily as needed'

I mean.. seriously.. does someone actually need a gum to control their sexual urges?? Personally I think any kind of urges is an issue of mind over matter.. and its all just in our mind. The brain is up in our head.. not down there wherever that is.. Yes?? No??

Inspirational

2005-09-03T00:55:00.000+07:00

For the past few days, I've been having alot of breakdowns. Its those moments when you felt so uneasy, its like having a feeling that something bad is happening or going to happen to you or the people you love. Or times when you just sit still and think about stuff that it took your friends to shake your body to snap you back to reality.

I've been going out with a group of guys lately, and I'm glad to say that they really tried to cheer me up when I'm feeling down while at the same time, they didn't want me to live in my own world where everything was going the way I wanted. They told me the truth and I was forced to face it whether I like it or not. For example, for the past few months,I always get cranky whenever they talk about relationships and boyfriends or girlfriends and we always tried not to talk about it. And I reject the idea of doing a few activities that reminds me of my painful past. So far, they've been really understanding and we decided not to do some of the things that made me feel sad.

Today, me and my group of guys were sitting in a cafe enjoying our hot chocolate when someone poped up the idea of going to a karaoke bar, I said I don't want to go. They asked 'why?' and I answered 'Because I remember I promised that to someone and I won't feel comfortable'. And then, one of the guy who sat in front of me looked at me and said 'From now on, I want us to do all the things that remind you of your past, we will get rid of that painful memories step by step.. I want you to try to do everything that you used to love and not limit yourself because of a person who hurt you really bad.' At the same time, my other guy friend who sat next to me have his arms around me to give me a support.

Well, it's now 4 a.m. on a Friday night. Just came back from a friend's place where we had a dvd marathon after the hot chocolate and dinner. One of the guys walked me home, and he was asking me if everything's fine with me, since he realized that I haven't been myself today. I said 'I'm just tired of feeling like this, I just want to get through all this as quickly as possible. I want to be able to forget about everything and I just want to be happy again'. Then he said the most amazing thing I've ever heard. He said 'Think of yourself as a runner, you need to leave all your burden behind, don't carry too much stuff on your shoulder, that means you need to wear light and comfortable clothes, and just focus on what you can see in front of you and that is the finish line. The time when you reach the finish line will be the time when you have forget about all this and move on with your life. Just look at that point ahead of you.. and always remember that me and the other guys are there waiting for you standing at the finish line cheering for you.. holding flowers in each of our hands, together with your families and friend as well, and we're all just there to have you back."

The Pact

2005-08-30T12:04:00.000+07:00

Being a female in her twenties, sometimes I thought about the possibility of settling down earlier in life. Different people have different definition of settling down and my definition of settling down would be, getting married, have kids and run the household. After getting off a quite long engagement, I started to think that my clock is ticking, that I don't have much time fooling around in life. And as always, a thousand 'what ifs' question pop-up in my mind, things like 'what if I didn't meet anyone special? or what if I'm still single in 10 years time?'.

Lately, I've been talking alot to a male friend of mine, which I've known for about 4-5 years. He has helped me a lot during the past few painful months and one day, we got to the topic of my 'what ifs' question. After a few hours of talking, we came up with a crazy idea.. we decided to make a pact.

The pact.. 'If I'm still single by the time I'm 30 years old, we're gonna marry each other'.

So.. I guess now I'm 'safe', I've got myself a backup-future-husband in which he refers as 'ban serep'.. and I won't be those old-woman who never gets married and live alone with her pet dog. Hahaha. But, I do hope that he and I will find someone and settle down before that.. hopefully it won't be like in the movie, My best friend's wedding where I'd try to ruin his wedding. Wouldn't want that to happen.

Ps: If u're reading this, I would like to express my gratitude to you for being 'there' for me all this time. :)

What we do before and after dinner..

2005-08-30T10:40:00.000+07:00

These are some of the silly things we did to kill time, taking silly pictures.. pictures taken outside a famous Indonesian restaurant, after we had our 'ayam bakar' and 'pecel lele'.

*I'll post up more pictures from time to time.. ;)

Today.......... I fell down the stairs.

2005-08-28T18:49:00.000+07:00

No.. its not a metaphor.. Its true.. I really fell down the stairs.. for the first time in my life!!

I was walking down the stairs with a friend of mine, Mr. R. About 5 - 6 steps towards the end of the stairs, I was daydreaming, I'm in my own world thinking about things, when suddenly I felt lightheaded, and somehow my leg was crossing each other and I fell down the stairs... Mr. R was very shocked as he tries to stop me from rolling down and reach out his hand. Fortunately, I landed safely on the ground before Mr. R pulls me up while I was laughing my ass off .. in pain!!

Mr. R saw the whole process of Sylvee-falling-down-the-stairs.. and I asked him why didn't he stop me halfway thru the rolling-down-the-stairs..

Still in shock, he answered 'lahh Syl, gw juga kaget, bingung situ lg ngapain, abis kok jatohnya slow motion amat.. lagian Syl tangga gw juga blom abis'. ....doeenkkkkk....

As a result.. I ended up with bruises around my legs and thigh.. and a sprained ankle.

- update -
Now.. a part of my leg is swolleenn.. this is baad!!

Tired

2005-08-28T12:47:00.000+07:00

I'm so tired of being heartbroken. Tired of the sadness, the frustration and most of all, the pain in my heart that constantly reminds me of the things that had been done to me. When is this going to end? Its been 3 months and the pain is still the same.. some day it even got worst.. Just what do I have to do to make this all go away? I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work. Nothing I did was ever right and everything that used to matter has lost its meaning.

I'm drown in my own sorrow and disappointment. I just want my life back.. pleasee..

Sad truth.

2005-08-27T11:27:00.000+07:00

I'm not alone.. but I'm feeling so lonely..

Thinking about you, when the bad feeling crept up inside me.. wondering if you're alright..

The truth is..

I miss you.. I know I shouldn't.. but I really do.

The End

2005-08-24T20:45:00.001+07:00

I listen to this song just a while ago and was stunned by the lyrics, its a song with a very deep meaning..

~Kejujuran Hati by Kerispatih

ku akui aku memang cemburu
setiap kali kudengar namanya kau sebut
tapi ku tak pernah bisa
melakukan apa yg seharusnya kulakukan
karena memang kau bukan milikku

ku akui aku merindukanmu
meski ternyata tak pernah kau merindukanku
tapi ku tak pernah bisa
melakukan apa yg seharusnya kuinginkan
karena memang kau bukan milikku

sesungguhnya ku tak rela
jika kau tetap bersama dirinya
hempaskan cinta yg kuberi

semampunya ku mencoba
tetap setia menjaga segalanya
demi cinta yg tak pernah berakhir

kejujuran hati yg tak mungkin dapat ku pungkiri
hempaskan cinta yg kuberi
keinginanku untuk kau tau isi di hatiku
demi cinta yg tak pernah berakhir

~ Just like what they always told me.. "Cinta tidak harus selalu memiliki.. Kamu tetap bisa mencintanya meski ia tak dapat kaurengkuh dalam pelukanmu karena memang cinta ada dalam jiwa dan bukan ada dalam raga."

I can run, but I can never hide...

Everything happens for a reason..

2005-08-24T13:37:00.000+07:00

This is probably going to be the most honest and hardest post that I'll ever write. I can only hope that those of you who read it will not be offended or judgmental in any way.

As you might've realized from my previous blog, this year has been the hardest year of my life. The year where the dreams that I've been working so hard for was practically shattered. Just like how I always tell my friends, seems like I've been building my sandcastle for the past few years and just when my perfect sandcastle was close to be finished, the wave came in and washed it off the shore. I guess I'm in a period where I'm sitting there feeling shocked in disbelief. My friends told me that its okay to be shocked but I have to get up on my feet and start building my sandcastle again. This time I'd be better off because I've learnt from the past mistakes. As harsh as it may sound, I always told them that its easier said than done. A really good friend of mine said that I have all the necessary equipments to start building one again and all I need is the strength and will to move on.

I always thought that I have the strength. My families and my friends has been giving me more than what I expected, giving me strength and helping me going through this. But there seems to be one thing that is missing.

That was when I realized that I haven't been able to get myself to pray for months. I feel so angry for what everything that has happened. Being someone who always believed in God, I always believed that He will never put me in a test beyond my ability to endure. And this time, I fell so hard that I was not even hopeful about anything anymore. It seems like, the life I used to treasure has no more meaning.

But just like what I've always been told... everything happens for a reason.

I met with a couple of new friends, and we went to church by coincidence just a few days ago. I left having the mixed emotion in my heart. Amazingly, that night as I tuck myself to sleep.. I couldn't help myself from exploring the feelings that has been bottling up in me the whole day. Thoughts on the things that was said when I was in the church.. all the things that hit me real hard.. those things that was said at the right place and the right time. It almost felt like they know what happened to me. Then as I thought about all the things that was said, I decided to try to pray.. unexpectedly.. I manage to pray again.. Apologizing for everything that has happened, all the doubts and the pain, and feeling grateful for the second chance.

I hope those of you who are going through the same thing as I did will be able to learn from my experience. It doesn't matter how hard life is, think of it as going through a long and dark tunnel.. No matter how long and dark the tunnel is.. there's always going to be a light at the end of it.

The trick is to be aware of it.

* Dedicated to the friend who brought me there by coincidence. :)

The end of a pathetic journey!!

2005-08-23T12:19:00.000+07:00

You've done enough damages in my life. To me, you're always going to be a worthless person with no heart. All you care about is yourself and your own happiness. A year 10 year-old boy would've known better than you. If there's one thing that I can say to you.. that will be I HATE YOU.. I regret everything that we did, I regret having all those feelings towards you, I regret ever knowing you. My life would've been better if I didn't know you at all. And yes, Thank God for what happened coz at least I don't have to spend the rest of my life with someone like you.

I swear to God if you ever try to contact me again.. I will make your life a living hell!! To me.. you are dead. Just remember that the word forgiveness will never come out of me.. I will never forgive you for as long as I live. I hate you.. and that's forever.

Good vs Great.

2005-08-19T17:00:00.000+07:00

Here's how I see it..

Good friends tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better, but great friends tell you what you don't want to hear when u're too scared to face the truth.

.. and they will be the one holding your hand while going through the painful journey (although sometimes they will also be the one who smack your head once in a while for being so stubborn and stupid).

Chocolate

2005-08-17T15:57:00.000+07:00

I've been craving for chocolate really badly these days, althought I've never been those type of girls who loves chocolate. The reason of the craving might be because my body is in need of endorphins, those hormones that makes us feel good. My lecturer once told us that when people are hugging their body releases these endorphins hormones and eating chocolate releases the same hormones, which are also called the feel-good hormones. Therefore people, when u're in need of hug and there's no one to give one, just eat some chocolate. Chocolate are also an anti-depressant which might be the reason as to why people crave for chocolate when they're depressed and stressed out, simply because they're just self-medicating.

On another topic, since I've been craving for chocolate these days, I bought a few Ferreros and Bacios (they are really good!!). Well, I just ate a Bacio chocolate, those ones where they have these quotes inside. I got one with a very interesting quote and definitely made me smile. Wanna know what I got? It says......

'Every great love begins with a kiss'.

ps: I think one particular someone would agree with that quote.

Just plain wasted

2005-08-16T20:02:00.000+07:00

I grew up in a family where my parents are pretty open-minded and I've been introduced to alcohol since I was 13 or 14 years old (I think). I've been drunk a couple of times since then. My first experience was when I was on a tour in Sydney ages ago. The second time was when I went to Bandung with my high school friends and that was soooo much fun, me and 2 other girls were drunk real bad while the guys are in a club somewhere around the hotel. We were pretty much drunk while walking around trying to look for the guys and I think we ended up sitting inside the lift, going up and down for quite some time and just laugh our ass off. And, the third time was a month ago.. it was actually with a really good friend of mine, I won't really say how the night turn out, but the next day, she told me that I was really funny when I was drunk. When she said that, I was actually very curious and think to myself 'what was I like when I'm drunk?'. Well she told me that I was blabbering to myself, laughing and crying at the same time and basically, I just won't stop talking. And I thought to myself, it would've been fun to be able to see what u're like when u're just so wasted.

People actually have different reaction when they're drunk, there are those who just can't stop laughing, those who starts crying and sobbing like mad, there are also those who suddenly becomes so energetic and full of energy. I don't really know which category I fall into because I laugh and cried both at the same time.. I know its weird, but if I have to pick one, I think I'd be those kind people who can't stop laughing.

Yes (sad but true), I've been drinking quite a bit lately... and I find that its really weird how alcohol actually 'changes' you. When i'm drunk, I feel soo.. 'light', it almost felt like there's no burden on your shoulder and you just wanna laugh about everything. Maybe that's why people resort to alcohol when they're depressed. After hours or sometimes days of depression and frustration, a few hours of laughing and not thinking about whatever that is bothering you is actually becoming a really good option.

Something that i've been realizing is that, people tend to speak the truth when they're drunk.. there just seem to be no boundaries, no restriction, just plain you and whatever it is you're feeling or thinking. There's just no more denial, no more fear of being judged, no more fear of hurting other people, and whatever reason that holds you back from telling the truth. You just want to be selfish and get it out of your chest, which eventually makes you feel better only for that moment..but after that, when u're sober, its just not going to be good!! There will be a lot of explaining to do the next day, I can assure you that. That is why .. my advice is.. when u're heartbroken, turn off your mobile phone before you get wasted and start dialing your ex's number and said whatever things that you might regret, and always make sure you're with friends whom you really trust. Its the truth ladies, believe me!!

*written under the influence of a little bit of alcohol.. (mohon dimaklumi kalo rada 'aneh' postnya, :p ).

Life

2005-08-13T21:03:00.000+07:00

"I've just got the result this morning, and I've spent some time looking at it. I'm afraid I have a bad news"

Waiting in silence, nervously, pressing my hands together, and said "What is it?"

You look at me, and sighed "Your body is not holding up, the medication is not working and there's nothing more we can do. I'm so sorry".

Silence fills the room. I'm speechless. Trying to digest each word in my head.

Slowly and sympathetically you touched my hand and asked "Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want me to call anybody?'

I look up and asked "How long do I have?"

"About 1 to 2 years".

What are you going to do if you find out that you have 2 more years to live? Will you be the type of person who frantically try to find a cure or would you be the type of person who accept the whole thing and just live the best you can? Personally, I think I'd be the type of person who will accept and live it. I've never really been the type of person who's afraid of dying and I'd rather live my 2 years of life learning to appreciate the small things, such as feeling the cool breeze in my skin or feeling the warmth of morning sun. Those things that I've never really pay attention to. I'd actually consider myself lucky because I know when I'm going to end life so then I'd have the chance to make the best of it. Imagine if life is ended just like that, having no chance of saying proper good byes to the people you love, no chance of saying I love you or I'm sorry to the one you really cared about, no chance of doing what you really want to do.

What I learn from this what-if story is that even the scariest thing in life can bring out the best of life. The moral of this story is for us to realize that we as human being are all powerless and very 'little', and the best we can do is just to live life each day as if it was our last. Don't waste your life doing the things you need to do.. live life by doing the things you want to do, the things that brings you happiness as well as the happiness of your loved ones, because sometimes the things you need are not things that you really want. Do the things you want to do, say the things you want to say to the one you love.. because there might never be a tomorrow for you or for the one you really love.

For someone out there..

2005-08-13T13:30:00.000+07:00

What is it that you want?? How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone? Wasn't it enough that you've created havoc in my life? Not to mention my family's? Your life and how you live it, is none of my business and how I am and how I live my life is none of your business either. Even if I'm dying of a mad disease, you'd find out after I die.. yes.. that's how little you mean to me now.. I loathe you.. I despise you.. I hated your guts.. and most importantly.. I curse the day we met.. To me, you're just an immature and irresponsible person who desperately needs attention and will settle for whatever attention you can get right now.. u're just a little boy who are willing to exchange your own life and happiness for a little attention.

You are a bad black chapter in my book of life.. not the chapter I close.. but the chapter I burn. I won't wish you good things, or apologize for what happened or even thanking you for anything.. because that's what you deserve.. nothing. Don't even think about apologizing because I will never ever forgive you.. even if I'm in my deathbed. So.. if you want simple, I'll give you simple.. simply fuck off!

Cry

2005-08-12T13:46:00.000+07:00

I can say that I’m a person who cries easily. I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m angry, I cry when I’m feeling touched, I can even cry when I listen to sad songs although I was in a happy mood a minute before. Sometimes the lyrics or melody of a song brings out a certain emotion in me that made me cry.

The past few months have been a tremendously difficulty time for me, and for a period of time, I think I cried almost everyday. And still, I wasn’t that lucky, as time passes by, some painful truth uncovers and that made me fall even harder to the ground. And then I realized, I have changed. Now.. I hate crying. I hate the feeling of not having power over myself. I hate the fact that I was that stupid to let other people hurt me that bad. The more I cried, the more I hate myself. I hated myself so much that I always try to tell myself not to cry and to hold my tears back and it made my heart felt like its burning inside.

I was watching Oprah this afternoon, and it was on the topic of moving past a painful ordeal. The stories presented in the show were about accidentally killing someone you love and thank God, my case wasn’t as bad as that. But somehow, the things that were said in the show hit me real hard. One guest of the show was a guy who accidentally killed his wife by forgetting to turn off the car engine while the garage door was closed and he left to work, eventually his wife and 2 dogs died of carbon-monoxide inhalation. He said “The best path to healing is to stop asking a thousand ‘whys’ and a thousand ‘what ifs’, and cry for a long as you want. Don’t be scared to express your anger and your sadness, learn to love yourself by being sensitive to your own feelings by crying it out, and don’t punish yourself any longer”.

That was when I realized that crying does not mean someone was controlling my feeling and that they have a power over me; it simply means I’m learning to love myself again by being sensitive to my own feelings.

…….. I was reminded of the past and the memories as I was putting away all the belongings. I locked myself in the bathroom, and for the first time... I cried… wishing so hard that it doesn’t hurt as much as it is... keep on hoping that the pain would just go away… and so I tell myself.. let the healing begin..

Just another girl talk...... and so it seems.

2005-08-11T12:22:00.000+07:00

Me and a couple of other girls went out for a drink after our classes at uni. We decided to go to a bar and ordered a few light cocktails and carry on with our afternoon chit chat. As u've might already guessed, its around the topic of guys.. relationship.. girls that we hate (a.k.a. those we usually refer to as sluts or bitches) and of course more on guys...

After approximately an hour of chit-chat, one of the girls told us that she has an exciting news that she wants to share with us. So we stopped talking and pay full attention to her, while at the same time, thoughts of possibilities dance around in each of our little mind, things like.. is she getting married? is she pregnant? is she moving to Irak to do volunteer work? But despite all the thoughts, we choose not to say a word and wait.. Then a question just flew out of her lips "I found an instructor who's willing to give us a semi-private class for pole dancing lessons, what do you say ladies?" ...... *silence*...... *another silence*....... *and yet.. another silence* Of course, our reaction was "W-W-WH-WHAT?!?!?!?!??!" With a thrilled look on her face, she quickly explained "Well, its gonna be fun.. I've got friends who took the classes and they said it can actually gives us a sense of power and it brings out our inner feminine, come on guys.. I promise its going to be so much fun". Well, I told her "I know my inner feminine alright and I can bring it out anytime, anywhere." and one other girl sighed and said "I still remember those days when fun were sleepovers, putting make-ups and turning on loud musics, now FUN is pole dancing" We all laughed, and we spent a few hours talking about it.. and after a while it does seem like a fun activity.. don't you think??

My dear friends

2005-08-08T22:33:00.000+07:00

" No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."

(Carrie Bradshaw)

For the past few months, I've been going through a very painful ordeal.. something that has changed the person I used to be. I started to question everything in life.. at one point I even question the existence of God, probably because I never thought He would put me into a test that I can never endure. I was mad, angry, devastated and all the terrible things you can actually think of. Sadly, I forgot to pay attention those people around me who are trying so hard to make my life more bearable. I failed to notice that somehow I'm still blessed to have such wonderful friends around me. They were the ones who try to keep the Sylvia they used to know, they are the ones who reminds me not to sacrifice who I am just because somebody else has a problem with it, they were also the ones who stayed by my side when I fell down.. although I'm pretty damn sure, they haven't got a clue on what to do or say because everything they say or do wouldn't have been right at the time, nonetheless its always good to know that they're there.. Most importantly, they were the ones who always have faith in me, constantly reminding me that I will have an amazing future ahead of me..

Yes, without a doubt.. I am definitely blessed..

*Dedicated to all my dear friends (you know who you are),

I will never be able to thank you guys enough for all the things that you have done for me.. I am a much better person today than I was yesterday because of all of you..

It just doesn't work that way.

2005-08-05T14:47:00.000+07:00

A good friend of mine came and visit me for a week here in Melbourne.. yes yes.. two girl friends came together and we would've guessed what happened.. talking and talking and talking all nite long.. whenever we're not asleep we must be talking.. sometimes with our dear male friend too *hi yo*. Well, while she's here.. we had a Desperate Housewives movie marathon. We watched the whole first season in a couple of days.. and right after we finished watching the whole thing. I browse through the official site for the series and there was a quiz on 'Which housewife are you?'.. yes I took the test just to kill time.. and guess what??!! (well, my friend wasn't to surprise on the result.. but I was). Turns out I was like Bree!!

For those of you who didn't watch the series, here's some description about her. Bree is one of the five main characters who are known as the perfect housewives. Her house is always spotless, she spent 3 hours cooking dinner for her family each night, she make her own curtains and she have the most perfect garden around the neighbourhood. That's what it seems from the outside for most people, however, she drives her family crazy by trying so hard to be this perfect wife and mother.

Therefore.. it got me thinking!! Am I trying so hard to be perfect?? Looking back at my past relationship, I realize that there were times when I think I did. I did things such as packing his bag when he's about to leave for a business trip, frantically fixing him something to eat when I knew he hasn't ate yet and some other things. Personally, I don't think I'm trying to be perfect, and I tried asking myself 'why did I do all that?'. At that time, I think is because I love this person and I willingly did things for him. But now, I ask myself.. Did I do it because I really want too without any expectations? or did I do it because I have a little tiny expectations that he might love me even more after I did all this for him and thus I'd feel more secure about the relationship?

The truth is, I still can't think of the answer.. or maybe its abit of both. I don't know, I still can't figure that out.. yet. All I know is that I enjoy doing all that for the person I love and I guess I just love the feeling of being whole by doing something for someone I love, the feeling that I've accomplis something for him. And somewhere at the back of my mind there was always a thought that maybe.. just maybe.. I'll be more secure by having him being dependent on me. But the truth is.. it just doesn't work that way.

Down came the rain.. out came the sun..

2005-08-02T18:24:00.000+07:00

There's a thousand things that are floating around in my mind.. most of it based around the topic of relationships and love. I wanted to open up and try to write everything about it.. but somehow I can't. Its still too painful for me to go there.. It was like my heart was just being ripped to pieces over and over again.. and trying to touch the wound only reminds me of the pain and makes it hurts even more. Right now, I hate everything that are associated with love. I hate love songs that whenever I heard it, I move away.. I hate seeing couples walking hand in hand that whenever I saw it I turn my head the other way.. I'm just so disgusted by it that I can't get myself to face it. Sometimes I even think that I will never love again.. the risk was just too much to take and there's no way I'll ever go through this path.. ever again.

Is love really so powerful that it can change who you are? Somewhow I found that love has changed my personality, for as long as I can remember I thought I used to be this cheerful, bubly girl who never stops talking, someone who appreciates life and all the beauty of life.. Not only that.. Love (or I might say horrible break-up) also changes my preference of things, the things that I used to love became the things I hate the most. I don't like listening to jazz anymore, I use to loveeeeee jazz to death, I even hated the food I used to love (now thinking of eating them makes me sick to my stomach), worst of all, I hate myself for being so powerless. Maybe that's what falling in love does to people.. giving away your power to someone else that he became so powerful and he only needs to move one finger and your life was ruined the next second.. And all that was just because of one bad decision making, that was the decision to follow my heart and trust him.

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'It hurts real bad to know that all these time.. nothing was ever true.. and everything was a lie..'

Regardless everything that has happened, I hope that maybe one day I would find some courage deep inside my heart to forgive you.. For now, I have learnt my lesson, that was to realize that the only person who can make me happy is myself.. by putting one foot in front of the other each and every day, move forward with each little step and hope for a better tomorrow along the way.. because I know that I deserve it.

~ What goes around, comes around ~

What's going on?!?!?!?!?!

2005-07-31T19:34:00.000+07:00

What is the purpose of life? What is happiness? Excuse me for being weird.. but there's a lot of things going on in my head that sometimes I think I'm really going crazy. Being a psychology student myself, I know the symptoms of severe depressions.. things such as not having appetitte, erratic sleeping pattern, suicidal thoughts (don't worry, its just thoughts and imagination, I'd never be thaaat stupid ;)) , and sometimes I tremble really badly when I thought about things that bothers me a lot. Is it just a really bad phase in my life or is it me? I am well aware that I'm depressed but to what extent I don't know (I have to get tested for that, and NO!! I'm not going to see a therapist or anything..). I guess I'm in denial about something.. one very good friend of mine told me that I'm in a period where I can't let go of the past and yet I'm not ready for the future either. I don't know.. right now I really long to be happy.. I can't even remember the last time I was happy.

I tried to think of the things that used to make me happy, but amazingly it doesn't brings the same effect as it used too. That's when I tried to look it the other way round.. what are the one thing that made me unhappy? And I thought to myself.. I'd be unhappy if the things that are important to me is unwell.. and in reality, everything seemed to be fine, my family are fine, my studies are fine, my friends are fine too. And so there's no more reason for me to be unhappy.. so then what's going on?? All I know is that I'm tired of feeling this way, it really sucks.. BIG TIME!!

Everybody told me the same thing "Don't worry Syl.. it'll pass.. you just have to be strong and u'll be fine". I guess they're right. I will be fine.. someday.. and hopefully that someday is not too far ahead.

Morning person??

2005-07-28T15:12:00.000+07:00

Today, I have to wake up at 8 to attend my 9 o'clock class and I found myself dragging my lazy ass to the shower.. and somehow on my way to uni I manage to start functioning my brain and think to myself 'How the hell does people wake up soo early in the morning to get into their daily routine?' and suddenly I remembered that some of my good friends are actually 'that' kind of people - the morning person type.

When I was in high school, this very good friend of mine actually woke up at 4 am and do her own stuff before getting ready to school (school starts at 7:30), and apparently my house is located so much further from the school (took around 1 hour to get to school, which means I have to leave at least by 6:30) and her house was located somewhere in between my house and the school. Well, as you guys would've suspected, yes.. I woke up at around 6ish.. I opened my eyes, a quick glance at my alarm clock.. close my eyes again and the next second I was jumping out of my bed rushing to the bathroom, took a quick shower and on my way out.. grab my socks, shoes and breakfast .. and get into the car. . and that's how I usually have breakfast.. in the car. Because of that habit, I actually made my car .. my second room. I have combs, hair-roller, hair-pin, and a small pillow and bolster.

I know that waking up early somehow means that you have a longer day and there's alot more things can be done during the day.. but no matter how hard I tried.. I just couldn't. I've tried sleeping in early, in the hope of waking up earlier, and yet when I woke up I'm still feeling a bit frustrated and still wishing that I have a few more hours of sleep. Recently I start thinking, what happen then when I start working? Will I be feeling frustrated every morning? I think and I HOPE that this is just a matter of habit. HOPEFULLY, by the time I'm working I'd be responsible enough to wake up maybe 1-2 hour before, to be well prepared.. Hahahaha.. I wish..

My precious Ashley

2005-07-27T22:59:00.000+07:00

Those of you who knew me pretty well, must've known Ashley as well. She's my 3 year old cute and adorable cross-bred Pomeranian Maltese. She's pretty, cute, adorable, cute, smart and cute (sounds like I'm obsessed with her!!!!!!). Ashley is my other sunshine in my life (apart from my youngest sister who can always come up with the funniest jokes when I'm feeling blue), which explains why I can never wait to go back home coz she's always there to make me feel happy. I bought her pink doggie shoes when I went back home last holiday and we took her for an afternoon walk. She's one lucky dog I can say, she slept with us in the bedroom, she have her own bed and bean bag and bolster, but she chose to sleep on the bed (as you can imagine, she's too spoilt that we just let her sleep on the bed).

When I'm back in Jakarta, I went out for a coffee late at night with few other girls to a nearby Gloria Jeans coffeeshop located in a sportsclub. The girls and I decided to bring Ashley along to the coffeeshop and so we did and that's Ashley's first 'ngafe' experience. Turns out, we weren't the only girls who's checking out on guys, Ashley did too. One of the girls took her for a walk around the club and after a while of calm and quiet walk, Ashley turn her direction and chase 3 teenage boys who's about to walk out of the club. We were all laughing and we had a fun night, I'm sure Ashley would agree on that as the minute she went home, she jumped right on bed and dozed of to la-la land. Well, I'll write more about Ashley in the near future.

~ My State of Mind ......

Today, I was heartbroken..

My PRECIOUS Holiday..

A thought...

I'm Blessed

Fair huh?

Very FRUSTRATED!!

A silly thought..

My best friend's wedding..

A little from us..

My very short holiday..

THE girls..

Bad week... bad day...

-speechless-

A dash of anger

The door!!

An Update..

Aarrgghh

Unimportant scribble of thoughts..

Mengapa berteriak?

Think twice before getting sick..

On relationship..

Mourning

And yet another year.. *sigh*

Great Indulgence

My Sunshine..

..me..

Advice from Oprah on Men..

Its about time..

Starting.. yet again

Desperate Housewives..

Rambling..

A trip back..... home??

Untitled

A night of pleasure and pain

Me vs Him

Our day trip..

I KILLED IT !!!!!!

Its all wrong..

A thought

Sheng re khuai le..

Arrgghh...!!!!!!

Thank you

The Break Up...

I'm falling in love...

Not again......!!!

Terrible first

To whomever it may concern.. seriously!!

Takeaway from the weekend

Warning!! You might experience some unwanted stress after reading this.

Something funny.....

Reminisce

Finally.......!!!!!!

Romantic or desperate?

Pleasee...

One of the many ways to get a husband

relationship..??

A fine line.

Untitled

The Present Me

The Countdown

What I've been doin

A bit of a confession

Adaptation

My angels

There's always a goodbye to every hello

International Gay Rules

A year older

Lovable.....?

Rebound

Picking up the pieces

Set shrink mode +on.

Recovery

The after-the-breakup-meeting.

Need liquor.. badly!!

Sex and The City addict

Prisoner of the past

......

What the......... !!!!!!!

Inspirational

And yet another year.. sigh