Prisoner of the past

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.

(Carrie Bradshaw)

Everywhere I go, I always hear people saying something about looking into the future and not looking back into the past.. even my yoga instructor said that today during our relaxation period. But is it really that simple?

To me, that would be the hardest thing to do. It almost feel like having my feet chained into a ball-and-chain and I have to put a tremendous effort in pulling them, only to have them move a few centimetres forward each time. Imagine having to walk with your feet chained like that inside a very long-dark-tunnel, and you're just dying to see the glimpse of light that marked the end of the tunnel.

My feet might be chained into the amazingly heavy ball-and-chain right now. But the thing is, everybody told me that I know how to let it loose and leave the burden and weights behind, if only I try harder. And it got me thinking, maybe they were right, maybe I was too scared to let it go, because then I'll loose the sound of the weights dragging and scratching against the road. And at some point, I'd rather choose to pull the heavy weights than being lonely, without having any sound that used to keep me company along my journey. Somehow, the sound itself has manage to give me a sense of security.

I know I have to let it go, because then I don't have to drag the weights and I can start running and who knows before I even realized it, I've reached the end of the tunnel. The hardest part is.. letting go of something that has become a part of me. The thoughts of letting go of something that has kept me feeling secure was unbearable. At times like this, we started making unreasonable excuses on why we should keep them despite the obvious reasons on why we should just chuck it out. And before we know it, we're becoming someone we're not. We started noticing different things about ourselves, we started hearing comments from our closest friends on how we've changed. And at some point, you just feel so angry, angry because suddenly the world is turning against you. Sometimes you even feel like sanity is far beyond your reach.

Maybe some of us thinks that holding on makes us a stronger person, but sometimes it is letting go that makes the significant difference. It might even give you back your sanity and the great and wonderful 'you' everybody used to know.

Throughout my journey through the deep-and-dark-tunnel, every step will be very hard to take because it goes further and further away from the only thing that ever matters to me and the only thing makes me feel secure. But maybe I should give it a chance, who knows, the view might be much more beautiful from the other side.