Cry

I can say that I’m a person who cries easily. I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m angry, I cry when I’m feeling touched, I can even cry when I listen to sad songs although I was in a happy mood a minute before. Sometimes the lyrics or melody of a song brings out a certain emotion in me that made me cry.

The past few months have been a tremendously difficulty time for me, and for a period of time, I think I cried almost everyday. And still, I wasn’t that lucky, as time passes by, some painful truth uncovers and that made me fall even harder to the ground. And then I realized, I have changed. Now.. I hate crying. I hate the feeling of not having power over myself. I hate the fact that I was that stupid to let other people hurt me that bad. The more I cried, the more I hate myself. I hated myself so much that I always try to tell myself not to cry and to hold my tears back and it made my heart felt like its burning inside.

I was watching Oprah this afternoon, and it was on the topic of moving past a painful ordeal. The stories presented in the show were about accidentally killing someone you love and thank God, my case wasn’t as bad as that. But somehow, the things that were said in the show hit me real hard. One guest of the show was a guy who accidentally killed his wife by forgetting to turn off the car engine while the garage door was closed and he left to work, eventually his wife and 2 dogs died of carbon-monoxide inhalation. He said “The best path to healing is to stop asking a thousand ‘whys’ and a thousand ‘what ifs’, and cry for a long as you want. Don’t be scared to express your anger and your sadness, learn to love yourself by being sensitive to your own feelings by crying it out, and don’t punish yourself any longer”.

That was when I realized that crying does not mean someone was controlling my feeling and that they have a power over me; it simply means I’m learning to love myself again by being sensitive to my own feelings.

…….. I was reminded of the past and the memories as I was putting away all the belongings. I locked myself in the bathroom, and for the first time... I cried… wishing so hard that it doesn’t hurt as much as it is... keep on hoping that the pain would just go away… and so I tell myself.. let the healing begin..