There's always a goodbye to every hello

No matter how shitty the hello was.. the goodbye is always gonna be sad. Be it a relationship or the end of university life. Sometimes I wonder.. where's the good in goodbye.

Two weeks ago was my last day of semester. And it felt weird. As I walked out of the lecture theatre with my friends. All of us walked in silence and thought to ourselves that we will never have to sit in here anymore.

And today was my last day of exam after 4 grueling exams, days of sleepless nights its finally over.

After years of struggle and stressed out nights, this day finally comes. And frankly, I'm still in the process of grasping the whole thing.

Weird but true.. I felt a bit sad. No matter how tiring it is.. this is the life I've been living for the past 4 years..

......... and now I'm on to another chapter of life.

International Gay Rules

With the outbreak of infidelity cases around me, I often wonder.. Have we all taken part in pursuing the International Gay Rules? For those of you who does not know, here's some of the rules: open-relationship (its not ok to date someone else, but its ok to have sex - take note, limited kind of sex as in blow jobs only), never show up at the same place with the same shirt and loads more.

My point here is that, have we worked out more options in performing infidelity than the till-death-do-us-part which obviously seemed to be limiting for those who perfom infidelity. Their response was because they were being a realists therefore they do not expect to get everything from one man.

Frankly, I can understand that. There were times when I wished that my perfect-according-to-me-man would do such and such and would say certain things. And when things get rough, female do sometimes unconsciouly (note the bold in the word) try to change the man into someone they're not just to satisfy our emotional needs. But personally, that's the thing about relationship isn't it? To be able to try and learn to accept whoever we choose to love. There is no such thing as a perfect man, there's always gonna be the good sides and the bad sides and that's why we have to be able to make a choice. To weigh out which bad ones we can live with and which good ones we can't live without.

That is my personal definition of realistic.

Which explain why I'm a strong believer in monogomous relationship. I have always hated people who cheated on their partner. Long before it happened to me (now that it happened to me, I hate it even more). I've seen many many cases of infidelity, although it looks like the severity of the cases spreads along a continuum from one end-the mild case, to the other end-the severe (very fucked up one). But to me, its still the same thing, doesn't matter how long, with who, or however they did it. Its still infidelity. I think that if we're mature enough to be in a relationship, we should also be mature enough to know that we have to clean up the mess of one relationship before going on a new one. That's what being an adult means.

It takes two person to start a relationship, and it also takes two person to screw it up. Although the one performing infidelity is always seen as the bad guy, I'm sure the victim of infidelity have a part in screwing up the relationship as well, but if it didn't work out.. then it didn't work out. Make a clean break, and start fresh.

But then again, who can really define infidelity because I believe that there are different definitions of cheating. To name a few: developing emotional closeness/feelings towards other people when in a relationship, lying to their partner about that significant other (be it going out or routine calls, etc), sleeping with someone else when he/she is attached (with or without feelings involved), and many more.

I'm not going to be hypocritical and said that I will not cheat because frankly, I do not know what's going to happen in the future. I only believed that I have to treat other people just like how I want other people to treat me. I can only hope that I won't have to do that to other people, because heart is very fragile thing and love can be a very sharp sword that rips it apart..... and also because I've been through it, and no one deserve to be treated like that especially when that person trully love the other partner..

~~~~~~~~~~

Ps: This is not a personal attack on any gay couples. I respect you all just like I respect every other human being in this planet. And I know there is a lot of monogomous gay couples as well. This is merely a personal opinion that I have in regards to the rules.

A year older

Today.. I'm a year older.

I would like to thank everybody who send me messages, calling me up, to wish me the very best in life and a great birthday. Thank you very much everybody. I really appreciate it. I wish all of you the same in return.

Although, I wish there would be no birthday for me this year. If I can just sleep pass it. Wake up and my birthday would be yesterday and never having to go through it.. would be so much better.

Its just a stupid day.. waiting for a call that never get through.. waiting for a message that never get in..

I guess this would be the perfect time to be brave and tell myself that its over. We were not even friends anymore.. we're simply strangers. Turns out, the whole time we were together was simply a lie. You are the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.

Goodbye..

Lovable.....?

My friend told me that I'm lovable.

My response was.. 'Ha? What?'

I might be motherly.. yes. Somestimes mature.. yes. But lovable? I was never lovable. Since when the word lovable was used to describe me? And since when do I become lovable?

To be honest, thinking about it after a while.. I don't even know what that word means. All I know is that any english word with something-ble at the end means it 'can be (something)' When I tried to use examples, like.. huggable which means that thing/person can be hugged, edible means it can be eaten. Lovable.. can be loved?? I thought everybody can be loved by somebody. Or am I getting it wrong?

Maybe it should be loathable instead of lovable..

Rebound

I've been told that the easiest way to move on from a bad breakup is to have a new boyfriend/girlfriend. Be it a real partner or just a rebound-guy/girl, either way it helps you to forget about the ex easily? Is that really true?

Would it be fair if I go out with someone that I don't even care about just so that I can move on from my past relationship? It would be like playing with other people's feelings, wouldn't it? To me it feels like I'm taking advantage of whoever that guy might be, that I'm only with him because I want to move on and forget about my past. And also, I can't even imagine having to pretend that I love that person while the truth is I'm still thinking about the ex and wat happened between us. Imagine if the rebound guy/girl ever finds out that they were with us only because they happen to be at the right time and place when we're desperately in need of someone and not because we really love them. How would they feel?

I might be naive, but I believe in cleaning up the mess of one relationship before going on a new one. I prefer a fresh and honest start to a relationship. I think that people who need rebounds are cowards who are willing to create a mess but are not willing to clean it up and prefer to just leave like nothing ever happened. Especially when it involves feelings of other people as well, like family members, and not just between the two person.

When it involves family, I'd like to think that I get into the relationship and the family with a clean start and good attitude and I'd like to leave the same way, without any grudges or whatsoever. I see that as a responsibility and I think I owe it to them for giving me a very nice welcome to the family.

And that's just what I did. I spoke to each of the siblings and I express my gratitude for welcoming me into the family and apologies for having to end it the way it did. And sending my very best regard to their mom, I didn't have the courage to personally talk to her because I know its going to make everything so much harder knowing that I cared about her very much.

*Dedicated to a special family, you are always in my heart and my prayer.

Picking up the pieces

Me and my precious girlfriends were talking a lot about heartbreak lately (believe me when I say we have a fucked up love life). Well, we talked about heartbreak and one of us broke up just a while ago, eventually they work things out and they're back together now and she told me something that really hits me.

She said 'He had punched my heart. Not broke, punched. If it was broken, I'd still be upset now.'

And, it made me think. My heart was not just punched, it was broken. Thats why I am still upset, I am still heartbroken, its been months, which to me felt like forever. And although I have done everything in my power to be okay again, although I have done everything that I can possibly do that constitute getting over and moving on.. I am still hurt.

Its not going to be as easy because my heart was not just punched, it was broken. It was shattered into little pieces. That's why its harder and it takes longer to pick each piece up and put it back together. Especially when each piece are left in places that used to be sweet memories and now, the pieces are just cutting me up and making me bleed.

I looked back at the time when this all just happened, and it scares me. The pain was simply excruciating. The thought of not being able to wake up in the morning, and not being able to live my life ... is devastating. I told my girlfriends that I will never love anyone like I used to ever again. I will not give up my heart to someone completely again. My heart might be punched by some other bastard eventually, but I won't let it be broken and shattered into pieces ever again.

I will never forgive myself if I have to go though this one more time in future. I was lucky to be able to pass through this time alive, I don't think I'd be that lucky the second time around.

Set shrink mode +on.

‘Syl, don’t start analyzing and pulling up your shrink acts on me’

‘Syl, don’t go all psychological on me’

or..

‘You study psychology, can you analyze my personality?’

‘Can I have your phone number, I have this issue that I need to talk about’

Well people.. the truth is.. I wouldn’t be able to be your friend AND your shrink. Being a shrink means I can’t comment on anything you said, I can’t hug you when you needed a hug, I can’t comfort you when you cry, I can’t call you up and check on you, and the list goes on.

To a friend, I’d ask questions and throw in some personal opinions and comments about the presented issues, but to a patient I am not allowed because as human we tend to structure our question in such a way that the respond will be just like what we expected and we won’t be able to comment so that we won’t influence patient’s personal point of view.

To a friend, I’d comfort them and hug them when they need one. To a patient, I can’t even hand out a tissue when they cried. I can only put a box of tissue for them to grab by themselves. Because offering them tissue might be perceived as telling them to stop crying or even patient might feel that they were being rejected, that their feelings and emotions were not appreciated.

To a friend, I would call you up every now and then to ask if you’re okay or if you needed anything. To a patient, I have to keep a professional level of relationship, to avoid patient’s over-dependence. Because positive development are happening while patient are seeing the shrink, and most patient will not be able to live their life and make their own decisions without consulting it with the shrink.

and.. as I said.. the list goes on..

Which is why my friend, I can assure you that you definitely do not want to have me as your shrink. Because then I’ll start to smile and nod to you as a sign that I’m still listening, and the only form of conversations from me would be the confirming type, which means I’m repeating everything that you just said and confirming it with you. For example, you: I just ate an orange and I’m feeling full, me: So you’re saying that you’re feeling satiated because you ate a lot of oranges. Yes my friend, that will the type of conversation WE are going to have if I am to be your shrink and I’m sure I’m gonna have my ass kicked if that’s how I respond to my friend’s issues.

So.. the moral of this post is.. if you want me to be your friend, I can’t be your shrink and if you want me as you shrink, I can’t be your friend.