Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Pact

Being a female in her twenties, sometimes I thought about the possibility of settling down earlier in life. Different people have different definition of settling down and my definition of settling down would be, getting married, have kids and run the household. After getting off a quite long engagement, I started to think that my clock is ticking, that I don't have much time fooling around in life. And as always, a thousand 'what ifs' question pop-up in my mind, things like 'what if I didn't meet anyone special? or what if I'm still single in 10 years time?'.

Lately, I've been talking alot to a male friend of mine, which I've known for about 4-5 years. He has helped me a lot during the past few painful months and one day, we got to the topic of my 'what ifs' question. After a few hours of talking, we came up with a crazy idea.. we decided to make a pact.

The pact.. 'If I'm still single by the time I'm 30 years old, we're gonna marry each other'.

So.. I guess now I'm 'safe', I've got myself a backup-future-husband in which he refers as 'ban serep'.. and I won't be those old-woman who never gets married and live alone with her pet dog. Hahaha. But, I do hope that he and I will find someone and settle down before that.. hopefully it won't be like in the movie, My best friend's wedding where I'd try to ruin his wedding. Wouldn't want that to happen.

Ps: If u're reading this, I would like to express my gratitude to you for being 'there' for me all this time. :)

What we do before and after dinner..



These are some of the silly things we did to kill time, taking silly pictures.. pictures taken outside a famous Indonesian restaurant, after we had our 'ayam bakar' and 'pecel lele'.

*I'll post up more pictures from time to time.. ;)

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Today.......... I fell down the stairs.

No.. its not a metaphor.. Its true.. I really fell down the stairs.. for the first time in my life!!

I was walking down the stairs with a friend of mine, Mr. R. About 5 - 6 steps towards the end of the stairs, I was daydreaming, I'm in my own world thinking about things, when suddenly I felt lightheaded, and somehow my leg was crossing each other and I fell down the stairs... Mr. R was very shocked as he tries to stop me from rolling down and reach out his hand. Fortunately, I landed safely on the ground before Mr. R pulls me up while I was laughing my ass off .. in pain!!

Mr. R saw the whole process of Sylvee-falling-down-the-stairs.. and I asked him why didn't he stop me halfway thru the rolling-down-the-stairs..

Still in shock, he answered 'lahh Syl, gw juga kaget, bingung situ lg ngapain, abis kok jatohnya slow motion amat.. lagian Syl tangga gw juga blom abis'. ....doeenkkkkk....

As a result.. I ended up with bruises around my legs and thigh.. and a sprained ankle.

- update -
Now.. a part of my leg is swolleenn.. this is baad!!

Tired

I'm so tired of being heartbroken. Tired of the sadness, the frustration and most of all, the pain in my heart that constantly reminds me of the things that had been done to me. When is this going to end? Its been 3 months and the pain is still the same.. some day it even got worst.. Just what do I have to do to make this all go away? I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work. Nothing I did was ever right and everything that used to matter has lost its meaning.

I'm drown in my own sorrow and disappointment. I just want my life back.. pleasee..

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Sad truth.

I'm not alone.. but I'm feeling so lonely..

Thinking about you, when the bad feeling crept up inside me.. wondering if you're alright..

The truth is..

I miss you.. I know I shouldn't.. but I really do.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The End

I listen to this song just a while ago and was stunned by the lyrics, its a song with a very deep meaning..

~Kejujuran Hati by Kerispatih

ku akui aku memang cemburu
setiap kali kudengar namanya kau sebut
tapi ku tak pernah bisa
melakukan apa yg seharusnya kulakukan
karena memang kau bukan milikku

ku akui aku merindukanmu
meski ternyata tak pernah kau merindukanku
tapi ku tak pernah bisa
melakukan apa yg seharusnya kuinginkan
karena memang kau bukan milikku

sesungguhnya ku tak rela
jika kau tetap bersama dirinya
hempaskan cinta yg kuberi

semampunya ku mencoba
tetap setia menjaga segalanya
demi cinta yg tak pernah berakhir

kejujuran hati yg tak mungkin dapat ku pungkiri
hempaskan cinta yg kuberi
keinginanku untuk kau tau isi di hatiku
demi cinta yg tak pernah berakhir

~ Just like what they always told me.. "Cinta tidak harus selalu memiliki.. Kamu tetap bisa mencintanya meski ia tak dapat kaurengkuh dalam pelukanmu karena memang cinta ada dalam jiwa dan bukan ada dalam raga."

I can run, but I can never hide...

Everything happens for a reason..

This is probably going to be the most honest and hardest post that I'll ever write. I can only hope that those of you who read it will not be offended or judgmental in any way.

As you might've realized from my previous blog, this year has been the hardest year of my life. The year where the dreams that I've been working so hard for was practically shattered. Just like how I always tell my friends, seems like I've been building my sandcastle for the past few years and just when my perfect sandcastle was close to be finished, the wave came in and washed it off the shore. I guess I'm in a period where I'm sitting there feeling shocked in disbelief. My friends told me that its okay to be shocked but I have to get up on my feet and start building my sandcastle again. This time I'd be better off because I've learnt from the past mistakes. As harsh as it may sound, I always told them that its easier said than done. A really good friend of mine said that I have all the necessary equipments to start building one again and all I need is the strength and will to move on.

I always thought that I have the strength. My families and my friends has been giving me more than what I expected, giving me strength and helping me going through this. But there seems to be one thing that is missing.

That was when I realized that I haven't been able to get myself to pray for months. I feel so angry for what everything that has happened. Being someone who always believed in God, I always believed that He will never put me in a test beyond my ability to endure. And this time, I fell so hard that I was not even hopeful about anything anymore. It seems like, the life I used to treasure has no more meaning.

But just like what I've always been told... everything happens for a reason.

I met with a couple of new friends, and we went to church by coincidence just a few days ago. I left having the mixed emotion in my heart. Amazingly, that night as I tuck myself to sleep.. I couldn't help myself from exploring the feelings that has been bottling up in me the whole day. Thoughts on the things that was said when I was in the church.. all the things that hit me real hard.. those things that was said at the right place and the right time. It almost felt like they know what happened to me. Then as I thought about all the things that was said, I decided to try to pray.. unexpectedly.. I manage to pray again.. Apologizing for everything that has happened, all the doubts and the pain, and feeling grateful for the second chance.

I hope those of you who are going through the same thing as I did will be able to learn from my experience. It doesn't matter how hard life is, think of it as going through a long and dark tunnel.. No matter how long and dark the tunnel is.. there's always going to be a light at the end of it.

The trick is to be aware of it.

* Dedicated to the friend who brought me there by coincidence. :)


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The end of a pathetic journey!!

You've done enough damages in my life. To me, you're always going to be a worthless person with no heart. All you care about is yourself and your own happiness. A year 10 year-old boy would've known better than you. If there's one thing that I can say to you.. that will be I HATE YOU.. I regret everything that we did, I regret having all those feelings towards you, I regret ever knowing you. My life would've been better if I didn't know you at all. And yes, Thank God for what happened coz at least I don't have to spend the rest of my life with someone like you.

I swear to God if you ever try to contact me again.. I will make your life a living hell!! To me.. you are dead. Just remember that the word forgiveness will never come out of me.. I will never forgive you for as long as I live. I hate you.. and that's forever.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Good vs Great.

Here's how I see it..

Good friends tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better, but great friends tell you what you don't want to hear when u're too scared to face the truth.

.. and they will be the one holding your hand while going through the painful journey (although sometimes they will also be the one who smack your head once in a while for being so stubborn and stupid).

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Chocolate

I've been craving for chocolate really badly these days, althought I've never been those type of girls who loves chocolate. The reason of the craving might be because my body is in need of endorphins, those hormones that makes us feel good. My lecturer once told us that when people are hugging their body releases these endorphins hormones and eating chocolate releases the same hormones, which are also called the feel-good hormones. Therefore people, when u're in need of hug and there's no one to give one, just eat some chocolate. Chocolate are also an anti-depressant which might be the reason as to why people crave for chocolate when they're depressed and stressed out, simply because they're just self-medicating.

On another topic, since I've been craving for chocolate these days, I bought a few Ferreros and Bacios (they are really good!!). Well, I just ate a Bacio chocolate, those ones where they have these quotes inside. I got one with a very interesting quote and definitely made me smile. Wanna know what I got? It says......

'Every great love begins with a kiss'.

ps: I think one particular someone would agree with that quote.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Just plain wasted

I grew up in a family where my parents are pretty open-minded and I've been introduced to alcohol since I was 13 or 14 years old (I think). I've been drunk a couple of times since then. My first experience was when I was on a tour in Sydney ages ago. The second time was when I went to Bandung with my high school friends and that was soooo much fun, me and 2 other girls were drunk real bad while the guys are in a club somewhere around the hotel. We were pretty much drunk while walking around trying to look for the guys and I think we ended up sitting inside the lift, going up and down for quite some time and just laugh our ass off. And, the third time was a month ago.. it was actually with a really good friend of mine, I won't really say how the night turn out, but the next day, she told me that I was really funny when I was drunk. When she said that, I was actually very curious and think to myself 'what was I like when I'm drunk?'. Well she told me that I was blabbering to myself, laughing and crying at the same time and basically, I just won't stop talking. And I thought to myself, it would've been fun to be able to see what u're like when u're just so wasted.

People actually have different reaction when they're drunk, there are those who just can't stop laughing, those who starts crying and sobbing like mad, there are also those who suddenly becomes so energetic and full of energy. I don't really know which category I fall into because I laugh and cried both at the same time.. I know its weird, but if I have to pick one, I think I'd be those kind people who can't stop laughing.

Yes (sad but true), I've been drinking quite a bit lately... and I find that its really weird how alcohol actually 'changes' you. When i'm drunk, I feel soo.. 'light', it almost felt like there's no burden on your shoulder and you just wanna laugh about everything. Maybe that's why people resort to alcohol when they're depressed. After hours or sometimes days of depression and frustration, a few hours of laughing and not thinking about whatever that is bothering you is actually becoming a really good option.

Something that i've been realizing is that, people tend to speak the truth when they're drunk.. there just seem to be no boundaries, no restriction, just plain you and whatever it is you're feeling or thinking. There's just no more denial, no more fear of being judged, no more fear of hurting other people, and whatever reason that holds you back from telling the truth. You just want to be selfish and get it out of your chest, which eventually makes you feel better only for that moment..but after that, when u're sober, its just not going to be good!! There will be a lot of explaining to do the next day, I can assure you that. That is why .. my advice is.. when u're heartbroken, turn off your mobile phone before you get wasted and start dialing your ex's number and said whatever things that you might regret, and always make sure you're with friends whom you really trust. Its the truth ladies, believe me!!

*written under the influence of a little bit of alcohol.. (mohon dimaklumi kalo rada 'aneh' postnya, :p ).

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Life

"I've just got the result this morning, and I've spent some time looking at it. I'm afraid I have a bad news"

Waiting in silence, nervously, pressing my hands together, and said "What is it?"

You look at me, and sighed "Your body is not holding up, the medication is not working and there's nothing more we can do. I'm so sorry".

Silence fills the room. I'm speechless. Trying to digest each word in my head.

Slowly and sympathetically you touched my hand and asked "Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want me to call anybody?'

I look up and asked "How long do I have?"

"About 1 to 2 years".

What are you going to do if you find out that you have 2 more years to live? Will you be the type of person who frantically try to find a cure or would you be the type of person who accept the whole thing and just live the best you can? Personally, I think I'd be the type of person who will accept and live it. I've never really been the type of person who's afraid of dying and I'd rather live my 2 years of life learning to appreciate the small things, such as feeling the cool breeze in my skin or feeling the warmth of morning sun. Those things that I've never really pay attention to. I'd actually consider myself lucky because I know when I'm going to end life so then I'd have the chance to make the best of it. Imagine if life is ended just like that, having no chance of saying proper good byes to the people you love, no chance of saying I love you or I'm sorry to the one you really cared about, no chance of doing what you really want to do.

What I learn from this what-if story is that even the scariest thing in life can bring out the best of life. The moral of this story is for us to realize that we as human being are all powerless and very 'little', and the best we can do is just to live life each day as if it was our last. Don't waste your life doing the things you need to do.. live life by doing the things you want to do, the things that brings you happiness as well as the happiness of your loved ones, because sometimes the things you need are not things that you really want. Do the things you want to do, say the things you want to say to the one you love.. because there might never be a tomorrow for you or for the one you really love.

For someone out there..

What is it that you want?? How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone? Wasn't it enough that you've created havoc in my life? Not to mention my family's? Your life and how you live it, is none of my business and how I am and how I live my life is none of your business either. Even if I'm dying of a mad disease, you'd find out after I die.. yes.. that's how little you mean to me now.. I loathe you.. I despise you.. I hated your guts.. and most importantly.. I curse the day we met.. To me, you're just an immature and irresponsible person who desperately needs attention and will settle for whatever attention you can get right now.. u're just a little boy who are willing to exchange your own life and happiness for a little attention.

You are a bad black chapter in my book of life.. not the chapter I close.. but the chapter I burn. I won't wish you good things, or apologize for what happened or even thanking you for anything.. because that's what you deserve.. nothing. Don't even think about apologizing because I will never ever forgive you.. even if I'm in my deathbed. So.. if you want simple, I'll give you simple.. simply fuck off!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Cry

I can say that I’m a person who cries easily. I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m angry, I cry when I’m feeling touched, I can even cry when I listen to sad songs although I was in a happy mood a minute before. Sometimes the lyrics or melody of a song brings out a certain emotion in me that made me cry.

The past few months have been a tremendously difficulty time for me, and for a period of time, I think I cried almost everyday. And still, I wasn’t that lucky, as time passes by, some painful truth uncovers and that made me fall even harder to the ground. And then I realized, I have changed. Now.. I hate crying. I hate the feeling of not having power over myself. I hate the fact that I was that stupid to let other people hurt me that bad. The more I cried, the more I hate myself. I hated myself so much that I always try to tell myself not to cry and to hold my tears back and it made my heart felt like its burning inside.

I was watching Oprah this afternoon, and it was on the topic of moving past a painful ordeal. The stories presented in the show were about accidentally killing someone you love and thank God, my case wasn’t as bad as that. But somehow, the things that were said in the show hit me real hard. One guest of the show was a guy who accidentally killed his wife by forgetting to turn off the car engine while the garage door was closed and he left to work, eventually his wife and 2 dogs died of carbon-monoxide inhalation. He said “The best path to healing is to stop asking a thousand ‘whys’ and a thousand ‘what ifs’, and cry for a long as you want. Don’t be scared to express your anger and your sadness, learn to love yourself by being sensitive to your own feelings by crying it out, and don’t punish yourself any longer”.

That was when I realized that crying does not mean someone was controlling my feeling and that they have a power over me; it simply means I’m learning to love myself again by being sensitive to my own feelings.

…….. I was reminded of the past and the memories as I was putting away all the belongings. I locked myself in the bathroom, and for the first time... I cried… wishing so hard that it doesn’t hurt as much as it is... keep on hoping that the pain would just go away… and so I tell myself.. let the healing begin..

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Just another girl talk...... and so it seems.

Me and a couple of other girls went out for a drink after our classes at uni. We decided to go to a bar and ordered a few light cocktails and carry on with our afternoon chit chat. As u've might already guessed, its around the topic of guys.. relationship.. girls that we hate (a.k.a. those we usually refer to as sluts or bitches) and of course more on guys...

After approximately an hour of chit-chat, one of the girls told us that she has an exciting news that she wants to share with us. So we stopped talking and pay full attention to her, while at the same time, thoughts of possibilities dance around in each of our little mind, things like.. is she getting married? is she pregnant? is she moving to Irak to do volunteer work? But despite all the thoughts, we choose not to say a word and wait.. Then a question just flew out of her lips "I found an instructor who's willing to give us a semi-private class for pole dancing lessons, what do you say ladies?" ...... *silence*...... *another silence*....... *and yet.. another silence* Of course, our reaction was "W-W-WH-WHAT?!?!?!?!??!" With a thrilled look on her face, she quickly explained "Well, its gonna be fun.. I've got friends who took the classes and they said it can actually gives us a sense of power and it brings out our inner feminine, come on guys.. I promise its going to be so much fun". Well, I told her "I know my inner feminine alright and I can bring it out anytime, anywhere." and one other girl sighed and said "I still remember those days when fun were sleepovers, putting make-ups and turning on loud musics, now FUN is pole dancing" We all laughed, and we spent a few hours talking about it.. and after a while it does seem like a fun activity.. don't you think??

Monday, August 8, 2005

My dear friends

" No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."
(Carrie Bradshaw)

For the past few months, I've been going through a very painful ordeal.. something that has changed the person I used to be. I started to question everything in life.. at one point I even question the existence of God, probably because I never thought He would put me into a test that I can never endure. I was mad, angry, devastated and all the terrible things you can actually think of. Sadly, I forgot to pay attention those people around me who are trying so hard to make my life more bearable. I failed to notice that somehow I'm still blessed to have such wonderful friends around me. They were the ones who try to keep the Sylvia they used to know, they are the ones who reminds me not to sacrifice who I am just because somebody else has a problem with it, they were also the ones who stayed by my side when I fell down.. although I'm pretty damn sure, they haven't got a clue on what to do or say because everything they say or do wouldn't have been right at the time, nonetheless its always good to know that they're there.. Most importantly, they were the ones who always have faith in me, constantly reminding me that I will have an amazing future ahead of me..

Yes, without a doubt.. I am definitely blessed..

*Dedicated to all my dear friends (you know who you are),

I will never be able to thank you guys enough for all the things that you have done for me.. I am a much better person today than I was yesterday because of all of you..


Friday, August 5, 2005

It just doesn't work that way.

A good friend of mine came and visit me for a week here in Melbourne.. yes yes.. two girl friends came together and we would've guessed what happened.. talking and talking and talking all nite long.. whenever we're not asleep we must be talking.. sometimes with our dear male friend too *hi yo*. Well, while she's here.. we had a Desperate Housewives movie marathon. We watched the whole first season in a couple of days.. and right after we finished watching the whole thing. I browse through the official site for the series and there was a quiz on 'Which housewife are you?'.. yes I took the test just to kill time.. and guess what??!! (well, my friend wasn't to surprise on the result.. but I was). Turns out I was like Bree!!

For those of you who didn't watch the series, here's some description about her. Bree is one of the five main characters who are known as the perfect housewives. Her house is always spotless, she spent 3 hours cooking dinner for her family each night, she make her own curtains and she have the most perfect garden around the neighbourhood. That's what it seems from the outside for most people, however, she drives her family crazy by trying so hard to be this perfect wife and mother.

Therefore.. it got me thinking!! Am I trying so hard to be perfect?? Looking back at my past relationship, I realize that there were times when I think I did. I did things such as packing his bag when he's about to leave for a business trip, frantically fixing him something to eat when I knew he hasn't ate yet and some other things. Personally, I don't think I'm trying to be perfect, and I tried asking myself 'why did I do all that?'. At that time, I think is because I love this person and I willingly did things for him. But now, I ask myself.. Did I do it because I really want too without any expectations? or did I do it because I have a little tiny expectations that he might love me even more after I did all this for him and thus I'd feel more secure about the relationship?

The truth is, I still can't think of the answer.. or maybe its abit of both. I don't know, I still can't figure that out.. yet. All I know is that I enjoy doing all that for the person I love and I guess I just love the feeling of being whole by doing something for someone I love, the feeling that I've accomplis something for him. And somewhere at the back of my mind there was always a thought that maybe.. just maybe.. I'll be more secure by having him being dependent on me. But the truth is.. it just doesn't work that way.

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Down came the rain.. out came the sun..

There's a thousand things that are floating around in my mind.. most of it based around the topic of relationships and love. I wanted to open up and try to write everything about it.. but somehow I can't. Its still too painful for me to go there.. It was like my heart was just being ripped to pieces over and over again.. and trying to touch the wound only reminds me of the pain and makes it hurts even more. Right now, I hate everything that are associated with love. I hate love songs that whenever I heard it, I move away.. I hate seeing couples walking hand in hand that whenever I saw it I turn my head the other way.. I'm just so disgusted by it that I can't get myself to face it. Sometimes I even think that I will never love again.. the risk was just too much to take and there's no way I'll ever go through this path.. ever again.

Is love really so powerful that it can change who you are? Somewhow I found that love has changed my personality, for as long as I can remember I thought I used to be this cheerful, bubly girl who never stops talking, someone who appreciates life and all the beauty of life.. Not only that.. Love (or I might say horrible break-up) also changes my preference of things, the things that I used to love became the things I hate the most. I don't like listening to jazz anymore, I use to loveeeeee jazz to death, I even hated the food I used to love (now thinking of eating them makes me sick to my stomach), worst of all, I hate myself for being so powerless. Maybe that's what falling in love does to people.. giving away your power to someone else that he became so powerful and he only needs to move one finger and your life was ruined the next second.. And all that was just because of one bad decision making, that was the decision to follow my heart and trust him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'It hurts real bad to know that all these time.. nothing was ever true.. and everything was a lie..'

Regardless everything that has happened, I hope that maybe one day I would find some courage deep inside my heart to forgive you.. For now, I have learnt my lesson, that was to realize that the only person who can make me happy is myself.. by putting one foot in front of the other each and every day, move forward with each little step and hope for a better tomorrow along the way.. because I know that I deserve it.

~ What goes around, comes around ~