Recovery

Akhir Cerita Cinta
by Glen Fredly

Sandiwarakah selama ini
Setelah sekian lama kita tlah bersama
Inikah akhir cerita cinta
Yang slalu aku banggakan
di depan mereka
Entah dimana
Ku sembunyikan rasa malu

Kini harus aku lewati
Sepi hariku tanpa dirimu lagi
Biarkan kini kuberdiri
Melawan waktu
Tuk melupakanmu
Walau pedih hati
Namun aku bertahan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everytime this song was played.. I always move away. The boys realized it.. and they sang it once in a while.. and I always cover my ears when they did.. turns out, they did that on purpose.. because they want me to face my pain and sorrow..

Today, I tried listening to it for the very first time.. because I thought I was strong enough.. But I wasn't that lucky.. I cried and I felt so stupid.. stupid for going back to feel it again.

But they told me that I was wrong. They told me that only a strong person have the courage to face the pain, and that they're very proud of me for having the courage to face it and although I ended up crying, this is only my first attempt, who knows I'd be smiling when I listen to it the second time around.

I still cried.. my heart still ache everytime I think about you. If only I know how you're doing. If only I can hear your voice again. I missed you.. so much.

The after-the-breakup-meeting.

What is it with guys and their 'plin-plan'-ness?!?!?!?

I notice that when a guy break off a relationship and somehow after a certain period of time, they would suddenly ask the ex-girlfriend out again. For whatever reason that might be, the standard one was 'I just wanna see you and see how u're doin'. AND.. usually being the girl who's still not over him yet we're just thrilled by the invitation and followed by a 'yes' to the meeting.

And not only that.. when they finally met, the guy would act and pretend as if nothing has happened.. he'd still try to hug and kiss and hold hands .. just like the old times, like the break-up has never happened.

I mean.. come on guys.. stand on your ground.. u've made your decision. Stay with it!! Don't be giving mixed signals.. our heart is at risk heree! One minute, u'd be saying u're out of love or scared for whatever reason that might be.. the next minute u're saying u miss us and u can't let go of us.. During the recovery period, u're gone enjoying your newfound freedom, while we're just staying put trying so hard to wake up in the morning and live our life. When we're almost alright, you came back right in and put us back in square one. To put it easier, you only know how to screw it up, then u'll leave a mess for us to clean, when its almost clean, you came right back to screw it up again.

We're not a freakin teddybear where you can hug when u want too and throw when u're bored. Goddamit!!

Need liquor.. badly!!

I'm officially a walking zombie!!

I don't have enough sleep.

I don't have time for any social life.

I'm totally worn-out.

I'm literally sick most of the time.

..And its all because of my-never-ending-bloody-assignments!!

Its been goin on and on and on for almost 2 freakin months now.. finished one then start the next one.. handed it in.. and straight to the next.. I don't even have the time to just take a breath .. and I'm going out of my mind!!

I'm currently doing my Cognitive Psychology Laboratory Report which is my LAST assignment. After this, there will be no more assignments for me!! a few days of hibernating followed by studying for my exams...!!

So as a psyc students, our assignments are always lab reports. We did a research on some psychological issues (depending on the subject) and after the research we need to generate the results and past research and present an individual laboratory report on the research. This morning, we had a Cognitive Psyc class, and there were no studying involved. The whole 2 hour was to talk about our upcoming assignment. All the psyc student in my class were practically going insane coz we had no freakin idea on what to do. The research was supervised by this crazy and weird psychologist and we were cursing him sooo bad this time. At one point, one of the guys in my class yelled 'Geez, even giving birth is not as hard as this shit'.

Me and my girlfriends were working in groups and after an hour or so .. foul words started coming out and and we cracked up laughing all the time. That is how stressed out we all are. One of us suggested that when this all assignment thing is over, we should go to a chocolate bar and have some nice warm chocolate and strawberry fondue.. before she even finished talking, the other girl cut in and said 'I need liquor after this.. really strong ones'.

As for me..... I have my boys to count on after thiss.. a weekend of partying, clubbing and paint-balling... Lets get pissed and wasted boyss!!

Sex and The City addict

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time, partly because of my obsession with it. Yes, I'm talking about Sex and The City. I've watched it for about 5 times (I have the DVD from season 1 to 6, although I still need to get the second part for season 6) and I'm never bored of it. I would still watch it from time to time. That is how much I'm obssessed with it.

After watching the movie, I somehow feel... liberated. Its those type of feeling you get after having a great night out with your girlfriends. And it made me realizes that no matter how many jerks and assholes coming my way, I still have my girls to fall back on. Yes, I have my own little circle of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. Each of our characteristic is somehow identical with the respective character in the movie. We have a Miranda who wants to be successful in her career, of course she wants to get married and have kids and all, but that'll come later in life. We also have a Samantha who treats relationship as something that come and go. She might get sad over a breakup, but she got over it before a blink of an eye. We might have a possible Charlotte now as one of us might be getting married in the near future *wink wink*.

My friends used to see me as a Charlotte, a lady who believes in true love, perfect wedding and happy family. I used to be like that, but I think I'm becoming a Carrie now. At one point in my life.. I even have my own Mr.Big and I was trying real hard to cover it coz I can't imagine how they'll react to the fact that I was my ex's affair. Of course, I can't cover it up for long. The first girl who found out about it cracked up laughing and of course were attacking me with questions. The other was just surprised and was telling me to stop it right away. I think she was pretty mad at me too at the time.

Well, back to my girls. We were similar to the movie in a sense that, we talked about everything.. i mean everything!! From bitching about someone else's outfit to waxing to guy's body parts. And we were as crazy as the 4 characters as well. It almost felt like, when we're together, we can do everything. I guess 'girl power' really does exist hey..

We're always trying to be there for each other.. used the word trying because we lived in different country.. for now!! But we still keep each other updated about everything that happened in each of our lives. Of course, there's arguments and fighting.. but it always ended up good.

And now.. I'm missing them more than ever..

Prisoner of the past

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.

(Carrie Bradshaw)

Everywhere I go, I always hear people saying something about looking into the future and not looking back into the past.. even my yoga instructor said that today during our relaxation period. But is it really that simple?

To me, that would be the hardest thing to do. It almost feel like having my feet chained into a ball-and-chain and I have to put a tremendous effort in pulling them, only to have them move a few centimetres forward each time. Imagine having to walk with your feet chained like that inside a very long-dark-tunnel, and you're just dying to see the glimpse of light that marked the end of the tunnel.

My feet might be chained into the amazingly heavy ball-and-chain right now. But the thing is, everybody told me that I know how to let it loose and leave the burden and weights behind, if only I try harder. And it got me thinking, maybe they were right, maybe I was too scared to let it go, because then I'll loose the sound of the weights dragging and scratching against the road. And at some point, I'd rather choose to pull the heavy weights than being lonely, without having any sound that used to keep me company along my journey. Somehow, the sound itself has manage to give me a sense of security.

I know I have to let it go, because then I don't have to drag the weights and I can start running and who knows before I even realized it, I've reached the end of the tunnel. The hardest part is.. letting go of something that has become a part of me. The thoughts of letting go of something that has kept me feeling secure was unbearable. At times like this, we started making unreasonable excuses on why we should keep them despite the obvious reasons on why we should just chuck it out. And before we know it, we're becoming someone we're not. We started noticing different things about ourselves, we started hearing comments from our closest friends on how we've changed. And at some point, you just feel so angry, angry because suddenly the world is turning against you. Sometimes you even feel like sanity is far beyond your reach.

Maybe some of us thinks that holding on makes us a stronger person, but sometimes it is letting go that makes the significant difference. It might even give you back your sanity and the great and wonderful 'you' everybody used to know.

Throughout my journey through the deep-and-dark-tunnel, every step will be very hard to take because it goes further and further away from the only thing that ever matters to me and the only thing makes me feel secure. But maybe I should give it a chance, who knows, the view might be much more beautiful from the other side.

......

"The Innocent Ones"

by Hidden In Plain View

Long goodbyes and second chances
Forgiving all we fight for, forgetting all we lose
Cause we're losing it all the way things happen
Doing all we do to fill up the quiet
Break the awkward silence consuming our lives
We're spending our time keeping our distance
And speaking trivial, and trite.

And I'll find some way to cut myself open, over and over again
And I'll find some way to bury it all

And so let's be honest because I am through holding my breath as my lungs breathe for you
The air is too thin inside this room

I need this like the water in my lungs
The drowning in silence, biting my restless tongue
Because we're too consumed, too shallow
Playing the victims, playing the innocent ones

And I'll find some way to cut myself open, over and over again
And I'll find some way to bury it all

And so let's be honest because I am through holding my breath as my lungs breathe for you
The air is too thin inside this room
(I'm taking my last breathe for you, this life is leaving)
And so let's be honest because I am through breaking my heart as my veins bleed for you
The air is too thin inside this room

(So go, breathe in the air, leave me gasping for air, so go breathe in everything I am)

(And so let's be honest because I am through holding my breath as my lungs breathe for you)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, its true.. 'my lungs breath for you'.. for the whole time we were together every breath I take was for you.. that is how much I love you.

'I am holding my breath'.. and I still do. I don't know how much longer I can keep holding my breath.. I want to stop holding my breath and let loose.. even if dying is the consequences.. I don't care.. living life like this makes life meaningless..

Most of the time, I feel like dying. Not because of you.. but for myself. So that I can just put an end to the pain. Because I don't think I can take it much longer.

How is it possible that I love someone more than I love life itself?

How is it possible that someone so precious hurt me that much?

Its so hard to let you go. You've ruined my life, you've taken away everything I've ever believed in. but why does it feel so hard to let you go?

How to hate you when my love was more than words can describe?

When will this pain go away?

Why does tears keeps streaming down my face?

When will I forget how you look, how you smell, how you laugh?

Don't I still deserve some happiness?

I will give up everything, just to get all the pain away. I'm not asking for much.. I just want the pain to go away.

What the......... !!!!!!!

I was walking around the city going into small stores at the side of the road when I notice a box of gum called the Handzoff. I thought to myself it was a funny name for a gum, and so I picked it up and read it.

Yes.. true to the name.. it was really to keep hands off something..

Its an anti-masturbatory gum.

In the package it says something like 'When you're having a sudden urge and not in a good situation, pop one of these and you'll be fine for the next 4 to 6 hours. And you may take up to 120 pieces daily as needed'

I mean.. seriously.. does someone actually need a gum to control their sexual urges?? Personally I think any kind of urges is an issue of mind over matter.. and its all just in our mind. The brain is up in our head.. not down there wherever that is.. Yes?? No??

Inspirational

For the past few days, I've been having alot of breakdowns. Its those moments when you felt so uneasy, its like having a feeling that something bad is happening or going to happen to you or the people you love. Or times when you just sit still and think about stuff that it took your friends to shake your body to snap you back to reality.

I've been going out with a group of guys lately, and I'm glad to say that they really tried to cheer me up when I'm feeling down while at the same time, they didn't want me to live in my own world where everything was going the way I wanted. They told me the truth and I was forced to face it whether I like it or not. For example, for the past few months,I always get cranky whenever they talk about relationships and boyfriends or girlfriends and we always tried not to talk about it. And I reject the idea of doing a few activities that reminds me of my painful past. So far, they've been really understanding and we decided not to do some of the things that made me feel sad.

Today, me and my group of guys were sitting in a cafe enjoying our hot chocolate when someone poped up the idea of going to a karaoke bar, I said I don't want to go. They asked 'why?' and I answered 'Because I remember I promised that to someone and I won't feel comfortable'. And then, one of the guy who sat in front of me looked at me and said 'From now on, I want us to do all the things that remind you of your past, we will get rid of that painful memories step by step.. I want you to try to do everything that you used to love and not limit yourself because of a person who hurt you really bad.' At the same time, my other guy friend who sat next to me have his arms around me to give me a support.

Well, it's now 4 a.m. on a Friday night. Just came back from a friend's place where we had a dvd marathon after the hot chocolate and dinner. One of the guys walked me home, and he was asking me if everything's fine with me, since he realized that I haven't been myself today. I said 'I'm just tired of feeling like this, I just want to get through all this as quickly as possible. I want to be able to forget about everything and I just want to be happy again'. Then he said the most amazing thing I've ever heard. He said 'Think of yourself as a runner, you need to leave all your burden behind, don't carry too much stuff on your shoulder, that means you need to wear light and comfortable clothes, and just focus on what you can see in front of you and that is the finish line. The time when you reach the finish line will be the time when you have forget about all this and move on with your life. Just look at that point ahead of you.. and always remember that me and the other guys are there waiting for you standing at the finish line cheering for you.. holding flowers in each of our hands, together with your families and friend as well, and we're all just there to have you back."